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so many questions?

Posted by pinky1990 , 30 July 2012 · 40 views

am i ready to face the pain? am i ready to face the truth? can i get myself to move on from the past? can i continue to live with the nightmares, the flashbacks, the pain, the fear, or the truth? am i ready to try to tell again? will i be told that im just a little slut again? will i be slapped and get told that if im going to be a slut like my mother to get out? will i lose all hope? will i lose all feeling? will i lose all my self esteem and courage? will i always live in fear? will i always have to look around every courner even in my own home where those things didnt happen to me at? will i always have the night terrors that make me cry in my sleep and claw my boyfriend? will i always have to feel so numb to almost every emotion or intimate actions? am i to blame? am i to blame for the times that i wanted that feeling of love that i didnt realize wasnt love at all? when will i be able to go on with my life and be more at peace with my past and how i was treated? why do i still feel this pain today? what made me tell my grandma that first time? what gave me the courage to tell her again years later? why did i let it go on for 13years? why did i let him put me through that pain? that torcher? that agony? why did he pick me? why did he have to prey apon such a young child? why did he choose the weak and innocent? why wont these images go away? why cant i even enjoy cuddling with my boyfriend in our bed, in our home? why does just a kiss or my boyfriend brushing hair out of my face trigger a night terror? so many questions but only a few continously run through my head and those are the fallowing. why me? why did i just let him do those things? what has he done to my body? but most of all what have i done?

for the last question i put on this blog i want to add that i still blame myself for what happened to me. as i had put on my other blog please dont share any of the information i put on here. it could make me lose my family and friends or at least the ones i have left.
Pinky 1990, You took the words right out of my mouth as to the terror you are feeling from your abuse. It is very frustarting as to why these scares are so hard to dissolve. How it never goes away, how it impacts your life even when you are happy and getting on with life. When you have found a safe, loving place to be and yet you still feel unsafe, unsure and derailed. Does it ever go way? How touch is so difficult even with your children. How at times you are a spectature in life because to engage could cause you to be emotionally derailed. How is this fair that the people you love have to suffer and your abuser seems to sail through life and seems to be rewarded around every corner. Even when you have decided to cut these people out of your life and decided to free yourself but you are never free as your body is holding so much pain it reacts in ways you dont want ot to react.
who took whos words? lol. you nailed it with what you said. that exactly how it is and its not right or fair.

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