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OK, so I have been trying to force my self to blog every day (at least if I am home) and I have been doing pretty well, But today I am stymied. I have been thinking if there was something I wanted to share or vent and I just can’t get past the "I don' know" moment.
So I went back and read my entries, and I realized that as much as I have to be angry about I still have a great deal to be thankful for. That even though many of the people that may have "failed" me (throughout this process) were male and the representatives of the organization were male and my rapist was male. That I don't hate, feel threatened, marginalized, or otherwise invalidated by males in general. And while I am not suggesting that this is something that happens to women who have been raped, assaulted, victims of violence or otherwise threatened or harmed by men. In my case if those kinds of feelings were something that I was dealing with it would have been more than understandable, in fact I think in my case it would have been almost expected.
In light of the fact that I don't have any of these feelings I tried to figure out why not. And here is what I have realized.
I have been privileged in my life to have been influenced by men (and some male teens) of exemplary character and kindness. Men whose behavior is something any one could be proud of. Men to whom I will be eternally thankful. So I decided to list some of them, and why they are special to me. (I used initials instead of names to respect both their and my privacy)
They are (in no particular order):
• The Very Rev. Cannon D H – a true man of God. Who asked the question “You are a healthy adult woman, why wouldn’t you be having consensual sex”?
• D M - who helped put my heart back together and showed me that foreplay was fun
• T A – who as a teen who took the time to show me that kissing was a gift to give and share, not something to be taken
• S B - who held my hand and let me cry and brought me ice cream and was generally the best big brother in the world
• Coach D M and his Father Coach M - who opened doors for me, and made the rest of team do so as well, which showed me I was worthy of simple gestures of respect
• M E and BE – who wanted to solve the problem but kept their word and didn’t
• Wm B - who when he found out, stepped up and hit it right over the plate, straight out of the ballpark, he got everything right the one time I most needed him too.
• P C – who got me to go camping when I needed it.
• The Rev T V – who doesn’t pull punches or hide behind platitudes, and listens with his whole compassionate heart.
• K B - whom I trust with my life, and, when I lay the friend card on the table, picks it up without hesitation, every time.
• D B Jr. - who helped me to know that God is.
• M S – who saved my life.
• Dr. D B MD – who didn’t take the easy way out, and went out of his way to make sure I got what I needed.
• C G - whose patience and kindness is legendary
Thank you gentlemen, and I don’t use the word gentlemen lightly, I am a better person for having spent time with you
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