I thought I could do it on my own. I thought my problems had nothing to do with the abuse I lived through 5 years ago. Turns out my problems have everything to do with the abuse I went through.
When I was 11, I tried to commit suicide. Obviously it was a failed attempt because I'm still here, but it did cause some serious damage to my brain, damage we're only now discovering. And now that I've stopped searching for answers and trying to find out what the extent of this brain injury is. We found out in September, and my life has been falling apart ever since.
Now that I know, I can stop being consumed with figuring out, and I have a lot of time to think. But I don't want to think. I don't want to stop and face what happened in the past - starting back with the first incident of abuse. I'm scared of facing those demons lurking in my closet.
And so I'm running. I'm drinking and I write words that don't even fully make sense and I yell at people.
I am broken.
And I thought all the emotions I've been experiencing since September were just reactions to the loss but I recently discovered they're not. It's guilt, and self hatred and anger. It's not just coming from the fact that I got diagnosed with a debilitating condition, it's coming from the fact I tried to kill myself. I tried to kill myself because I was abused (Once before this suicide attempt and then again in the months that followed)
And I haven't dealt with any of it and now that I have nothing to occupy all my time I am forced to think about it. But I don't want to deal with it.
I realize this rambling may not make a lot of sense but I need to write tonight. i need to write and drink and get numb so I won't hate myself quite as much.
I don't know how to live anymore.
A few days ago I was lying on the floor and I just cried out and said I want to die.
And I'm not suicidal again, I just don't know how to live anymore.
It's 2013 and the start of a new year, one I'm hoping will be better for me. I'm hoping I'll learn how to stop running, learn how to take off these grief clothes and pick myself up off the floor. I'm hoping I'll learn how to become better, become a person worth being.