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Clove45's Blog


Thinking clearly

Posted by Clove45 , 19 June 2013 · 29 views

I get wrapped up in the moment a lot. It's difficult for me to maintain a perspective far enough away from a situation to see it for what it really is. This entire healing journey isn't going to take me to any final destination. It is not the end "for-itself" or "in-itself." It's just a step on a more important path. All of thi...


Hex against those physically abusing a partner

Posted by Clove45 , 17 June 2013 · 28 views

Every blow is a searing pain
The burning child of dust
Grows with every step
A bulbous monster that will soak your rage
And torment you till the end of your days
Safetly keeping those you may harm
And leaving you with no aid
This child of rage and violence feeds
Until you can no longer breed
The violence and destruction that you keep


This one I did to myself

Posted by Clove45 , 15 June 2013 · 45 views

I got high for the first time when I was 14. I started smoking weed and drinking alcohol on occasion. When I was 15, though I started getting into painkillers and anxiety meds. My drugs of choice were Vicodin and Oxycontin. I wasn't a burnout. I was a highly achieving student, a three-season athlete, and involved in my community. Getting high for me w...


Meeting little-kid me

Posted by Clove45 , 15 May 2013 · 25 views

I guess the thought of having inner children freaks me out. I don't like the idea of my self being fractured. I've always kind of had a lot going on in my head, and sometimes it feels like there's a lot of voices talking and not all of them are me. I don't know. I'm scared of going off the deep end and it seemed to be inviting the idea...


All I'm saying is Jesus didn't save me

Posted by Clove45 , 02 May 2013 · 41 views

I grew up in Roman Catholic schools. Probably due to the SA and PA I was subjected to, not to mention the utter disdain of my so-called peers and abuse by the faculty itself, I was a bit of a behavior problem at times. My grades were good, when I made it through class. I was often sent out into the hallway, at the very least. Frequently I was ridiculed an...


How I remembered it this time

Posted by Clove45 , 25 April 2013 · 57 views

We were all in the basement because of the storm. I was there unusually late because my grandma was late coming home because the roads were too dangerous. Their father was home, usually I was gone before he got home from work. He must have left early because he knew about the storm. All six of their kids were home, but he wanted to play with me. It made m...


My first crush

Posted by Clove45 , 18 April 2013 · 39 views

I think one reason I tend to minimize the abuse I suffered is because it's so daunting. It's so multidimensional. I keep finding ways that things came together. One thing I tend to forget, mostly because I want to, is that I had a boyhood crush on my abuser. He was the older brother I never had, but more than that. I want to remember him as the gu...


Less than successful day

Posted by Clove45 , 16 April 2013 · 32 views

Woke up about 40 min before I was supposed to be at the T appointment because I forgot we moved it to the morning. Made it there with 5 minutes to spare, but I'm one of those people who hates being rushed so I always plan my mornings out ahead of time. I should have a regular time from now on so I won't have to worry about it.

About 15 min in af...


It's worse than I thought (TW: CSA, flashbacks)

Posted by Clove45 , 31 March 2013 · 33 views

I had my second appointment with the therapist yesterday. I wasn't quite as anxious, because I'd been telling myself all day that the reason I was going in the first place was that she knows what to do and I don't, so there's no point in trying to prepare myself. It started out as expected, I talked about how it was more difficult for me t...


Back to work

Posted by Clove45 , 18 March 2013 · 30 views

A couple of days ago I put plans into motion to go back into therapy. I forgot that the reason I stopped in the first place was that I wanted a break. I was emotionally and mentally exhausted and I needed some time to rest and reflect and find somewhere that accepted my insurance. When I found somewhere and it didn't go well, I gave up on it for a bit...

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