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My first crush

Posted by Clove45 , 18 April 2013 · 29 views

I think one reason I tend to minimize the abuse I suffered is because it's so daunting. It's so multidimensional. I keep finding ways that things came together. One thing I tend to forget, mostly because I want to, is that I had a boyhood crush on my abuser. He was the older brother I never had, but more than that. I want to remember him as the guy who helped make my childhood hell, and he was, but I had a massive crush on him for so many reasons. He let me play all the cool video games, play with fireworks and cap guns, he helped me fix my bike, and we also had a sexual relationship. It's not the same as the more "traumatic" memories, but it hurts just as bad to remember the times I wanted to do things with him. He gave me my first orgasm. He taught me to masturbate. My first real boyfriend when I was older, all the things I did with him, I learned from my abuser. And I'm good, I've been told by both of them.

I know it doesn't make a difference. That he was taking advantage of me. It makes it even worse that he was grooming me for his father, and I still went back to him because I wanted to believe he cared about me. I even tried to like it. I initiated it sometimes. Sometimes to keep him away from his brother, but I wanted to make him think I liked it because I wanted him to like me. I learned to shut down and give him what he wanted so I could feel valuable to somebody for something. He was a couple of years older than me, and I tried so hard to act older. The way he messed with my head makes me ill.

Still, now, I catch myself wondering, when I know somebody's interested in me for any reason, I ask myself what they want from me. I just assume everybody wants something from me. That's all I'm here for.




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