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I'm not Superman (nightmares)

Posted by Clove45 , 22 July 2012 · 28 views

I do a lot for my partners. I've loved everyone I've been with in one way or another. Not all of them understand that, because I don't show it the way many do, but it's true. But although all of them are/have been unique, none of them are quite like my wife. None of them have changed me to the same degree. She has successfully changed almost every aspect of my life. I love her in ways I still struggle to explain.

I know my emotional shit can be a lot to deal with some times, too. It's not easy hearing about nightmares that survivors have, or scary thoughts they can't get out of their heads, or about the anxiety, or inexplicable bouts of depression. She's heard much more of my story than I've posted here. She's heard me talking in my sleep about things. She's been to Hell and back with me. During shifts on the sexual assault hotline I volunteer for I've heard some messed up things, too, and these are people I have no connection to. I've heard her story, too, and it tears me up every time. I know it's not easy to deal with it and I try to handle it as much as I can myself. Partially because that's how things have always been for me (Before her, I didn't have what you would call a "support network" per sť) but also because I know she has difficulty handling stress and she's under a lot of pressure between work and school. I want her to be taken care of, I can take care of myself.

That's not to say it doesn't wear on me. She seems to think the way I survived and the way I used to live is amazing, and I must be superhuman, and I can handle incredible amounts of responsibility and get insane amounts of work done every day. She seems to think I can handle school, two jobs, all of the housework, and help her with her homework while shouldering her baggage and my own and do this all while maintaining my sanity. She forgets I abused pills all those years I carried the weight of CSA and DV by myself. She forgets that when I did this, I did it while shutting myself off from feeling any emotion, stress, pain, anything at all. I can't be her partner and heal and stay clean and handle all of this stress and responsibility. It's too much. I'm only human. I've been meditating every day. I've been using cannabis every day (sometimes more than once). I still can't seem to get all the way through a day without having some sort of crisis. I'm snapping at her all the time. I'm getting angry over stupid shit. She wants me to relax more, she doesn't understand that there's hardly a moment from when my eyes flash open at 6 to when I leave work at 10 pm (or later) that I can relax. When I'm relaxing, I should be doing something else. I'm still not keeping up with everything.

And I'm not saying I shouldn't have all of these responsibilities, and I'm not saying I wouldn't do all of this and more for her, gladly. What I'm saying is that I just wish someone understood what it takes for me to get out of bed in the morning. I'm saying I wish someone could sit in my mind and experience everything I've experienced so they can understand the weight that I feel like I carry every day. I wish someone could hear my prayers to Odin for his wisdom, Thor for his strength, Hecate, Santa Muerte, Freya, Cernunnos, and understand what I struggle with. I know she's heard my nightmares, I almost wish she could see them, because every one is a memory. It's something real that has happened to me and every time I have one it's like it's happening again and I wake up from one it seems like every week. So every single week, it's as if it's happened again. It never gets any easier. She says she appreciates me and everything I do and I believe her, I just don't think she knows exactly what it is I do to get things done.

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