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Flashback`` Crazy long rant

Posted by sherodon , 10 October 2013 · 125 views

So today, I was at work and I just had this really bad flashback. I was getting up from the table and I leaned down, and I just all of a sudden flashed an image in my head about a certain position that it happened in. I've been a mess all day since then. I immediately just disconnected, and zoned out for the rest of the day. It's so strange, when your actually in that moment, it's like watching everyone around you live life, while all you can do is stand there and feel and think nothing.

I know that when I flashback, and zone out, that it is completely obvious to the rest of the world. Perfect strangers, will come up to me at work and tell me to wake up, or snap out of it. I get super pissed when that happens. It makes me wanna be like Fuck you dude I'm trying, and Fuck you because why? Why do you as a perfect stranger, give a shit if i'm awake or not. But what upsets me the most is that it only comes from perfect strangers. No matter how many times I look uncomfortable, or seem upset, or like i'm zoning, no one who supposedly cares about has ever just pulled me to the side like, yo whats wrong.

Alot of people say that, 'oh when your on the other side of the situation it's differrent, and people are scared and don't know what to say'

Well I can agree with that. But I can't. Because every time I've seen some one who could possibly be in a similar situation as me, I've approached them, I've let them know that I'm here, and that I notice when things aren't right.I first realized that I was a victim of Rape and Domestic Violence, because a friend of mine was going through the drive up atm of a bank with me, and I was telling her a story about a fight I got into with him, and she literally said one sentence, "that sounds like he raped you", and then I started doing research. I ultimately decided to leave him, because I didn't want him hurting the girls he was cheating on me with.

All because of one sentence, that one person said to me. I very carefully and strategically have exposed bits and peices of what I went through, to close family members. But in reality they can't fuckin handle it. They all say call me when you need me. I just feel like yellin "No Call me! I do need you! that's why I told you in the first place!!"

It just feels like to me like they don't care enough. It's easy to contemplate, who your gonna be able to tell, and who it would benifit by them knowing. If your having a hard time dealing with a parent because of the trauma you sustained, then it might be benificial to tell them, but who the fuck cares enough to come to you and say something isn't right. or How are you doing, you say your fine but that shit looks tough. My mom should have been the one to do that, but instead when I told her, she just ranted about her own rough childhood. The childhood I heard about all my life from my entire family. It was pretty much my job at birth, to be her life and her happiness because she's sufferred so much and all she wanted was a baby, but what about the fucking person she created? Like get it? I'm a person? With all the trauma I told my family about it's turned into, she can't be there for you, she has her own shit. You need to make sure your goin easy on your mom, she's had a really rough life.

I just told you I was raped and beaten from 15 to 19 and that's how the fuck you feel about it? It's always about somebody else, what's goin on with me is not important enough, because I'm just the buffer, between distraction and the real world for my mom. I wish I could be more honest with the people around me about what I'm going through. I wish I could have help and understanding. In all honesty I wish someone would show sympathy because I've never had any one react with any sympathy towards me once I told them. But everyone has theyre own battles going on, battles that are way worse then mine. They can't handle my crazy, and the few friends I do have are gonna run if I ever tell em about this shit. They aren't my therapists and I shouldn't expect them to be.

I just know that there was this girl I barely knew, and her boyfriend flipped a mattress over with the baby on it after they got in an argument. I tracked down her number, ate dinner with her, and very uncomfortably told her my story, and how dangerous of a position she was in. She told her crazy boyfriend that I was the one who told her to leave him, and he even texted me and I had her back one thousand percent.

I've got alot of really awesome shit in life. I really do live a super lucky one. But never having any one do for me, out of all the shit I would do for them, no one taking an interest or even really giving a fuck at all?

It's making this path one of the hardest, and making my flashbacks and zoning out just straight up spiral.

Sorry it was so long, just needed to get it out!

December 2015

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