Like I have a really short temper now, and I like have no feelings besides anger, feeling absolutely nothing, or complete emotional disaster.
I just like want to break something. I feel like if I could just destroy something then it would make me feel better. Even though I am an adult though, if I destroyed anything. even the smallest thing my mom would like kick me out cuz she's seriously crazy like that.
She tells me all the time if i'm bothered by something or crying or somethin she'll say "stop being upset". As if I can fuggin help it.
I am having a super hard time with her lately because she has anxiety worse then I do. she refuses to admit it but she does. So when she is upset or nervous about something, she gets way oversensitivee and takes it out on me. She has always done that ever since I was little. Like for example, she has a hard time with crowds, so every year when ever we would go to a family get together, when I was a kid, she would wake me up late causng us to run late, and scream at me for being late. I was like five. She just does weird stuff all the time so that she can get a reaction out of me because arguing makes her feel better when she is nervous.
So I'm trying to figure out ways to deal with that since I wont be moving out for a few months because when ever my pay increases, then she increases the amount of money she wants me to pay towards other bills. Its all very despairing, and when ever I try to deal with these issues all I do is get angry because there is nothing that I can do about them. I am stuck.
I HAVE TO MOVE OUT LIKE SOON. I just cant stand the controling part any more. I broke up with my boyfriend because of the control and I'm not gonna take it from some one who is supposed to be my mom. She is way over controling and isnt beng supportive of my situation at all. She tells me she's tired of me talking about it that I need to move on that I need to step it up and handle my responsibilities that I'm immature she says everything mean to me. All it does is make me want to escape. It really isnt that I'm lazy I worked eighty six hours this past week. It's not that I cant do it myself because when things between her and I are good, I dont ask her for a damn thing. but when she acts crazy like she has been lately, then I do what ever I have to do to AVOID things. Like drinking, sleeping, whatever it takes. Being with my ex boyfriend was a way to AVOID her, and now that I have cut him out I will have to think of healthier ways to get out of this situation. I feel like I want to cry so bad but I'm not crying. I guess there just isnt any thing left I'm all outta tears. My body probably realized what a waste of time it is to be upset because no matter what happens nothing is ever gonna get better.