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I miss sundays with him. When things were good we would usually go out on sundays or wednesdays and I at least stayed with him every sunday.
It's been six days. Six Days since I talked to him, and I just dont know what I'm supposed to do now. It's over for good and time for me to move on, but why. All I do is sit at home and talk to a friend or two everyonce in a while, but besides that why not have him around.
How can I say I'm not worth being treated poorly, when the only other option is to not be treated like anything at all.
I feel really guilty for feeling this way, because I know that by telling my stupid mom and by going through all of the stuff with the hospital and the court that it would just be big waste of every one's time to back out now. I know that EVERYone that I know would hate me if I ever told them that I missed him. Last night on the phone with a friend she was backing out on plans with me so I told her that it sucks that I dont talk to kenny any more because that would of been a perfect night to just go to his house, make a mixed drink and go to sleep, and she got really mad and just got off the phone really quick. I feel bad that I am hurting people by wanting to be with him, but feeling guilty pisses me off because I love him I shouldnt have to feel guilty for that.
andd I'm havin a hard time with people tellin me what to do, no one even has to tell me what to do all they have to say is maybe we could and then I will be like stop tryna run my life. Like I know I'm over reacting but all I want is people who will stick next to me and be understanding, no matter how stupid I might act, but clearly thats never gonna happen.
It's so frustrating I dont think I've ever felt so alone in my entire life. Or as depressing as it sounds, hopeless. Like ok cool I got what I wanted I'm away from him, I'm starting a new job and I'm enrolling for next semester. I should be able to afford to move out by january and I def dont party like I used to. That's what I thought I wanted. Well it's all for nothing.
Like whats the point in anything if your just alone for it all any ways. Like I see no point in anything it's the hardest thing to describe.
I quit smoking and that sucks. I'm trying to diet and that sucks to. I'm getting hives and highblood pressure and I'm tired all the time. Why is that better then being with him? So I might have been really sad all the time but is that really better then feeling nothing?
I cant believe I really pressed charges on him. I cant honestly say that if I knew he was only hurting me that I would have done it. Now I can honestly say I will never talk to him again. Like ever.
What the fuck am I supposed to do now. ugghh This is such a whiny post but I'm sick of other people getting sick of me talking about it and I'm tired of everyone acting like I'm crazy or like I'm over reacting because I really am not.
I was raped monday night. I want my freaking mom to cut me some slack and instead of trying to make me who she wants me to be, just understand and be there for me. I am soo annoyed with her and I cant escape her because I just got a rape kit done against my only escape. I cant stand that the only person I get to interact with ever day is her and is as unstable as her. Why couldnt I be around people that I didnt have to support and people that could be here for me with out me having to worry about their feelings all the fucking time. I am herrrr daughter she isnt mine. It's cute that I was here for her all these years through her boyfriend problems, financial problems, through her divorce, but now I need a parent. I havent asked for one much, through all of this I didnt bother her once and now that I finally do she tells me I need to start doing more. UGHHHH
Whatever I hope I didnt put any one else in a bad mood by writing this if it looks to depressing I'll delete it I just wrote it cuz I felt like bitching.
I need a new life and new people to fill it with.
0 Comments On This Entry
on Dec 02 2012 08:04 PM
My Epiphany for the day ( I dont know how to spell Epiphany) :) lol
on Nov 09 2012 08:31 PM
Sometimes it's hard not to miss himm... . ..
on Oct 26 2012 03:40 AM
My wish for youuuuu
on Oct 10 2012 07:30 PM
on Oct 05 2012 05:32 PM