messed up a little bit
I wanna post but I'm not to sure what to say.
I went to the ex boyfriends last night. I almost begged him to let me come over. I dont know whats wrong with me.
I just wanted to sleep next to him. I wanted to smell the cologne on his shirt and have him put his warm arm around me because I always get cold in his room. It wasnt to bad of a night really. It was pretty good except for the shit talk. He never hurt me but he talked alota shit last night like said so much mean stuff. He even talked me into havin sex with him this morning. It wasnt his fault. It was just early and I thought what's the harm of this because I really miss him so, maybe I can be close to him this one last time.
He didnt hit me, but while we were having sex, he did stuff to hurt me, and I tried to get him to stop in the middle of it, but he wouldnt. But what can I say I asked him to come over I let him sleep with his arm around me, I even kissed him this morning so what was he supposed to think.
He told me that we didnt work out because I dont listen to him when he says he owns me. He said that If I would just do exactly what he said when he said it we wouldnt have had any problems. He said he onlys tells me what to do because he cares about me.
As sick as it is, I kind of believe him. It just hurts so much like knowing your giving someone everything and trying so hard to make them happy but nothing you do is good enough for them. Like you mess everything up. Bad enough to the point where he has to find other women to cheat with. Bad enough that he hits you and has to make you do things you dont want to do because your not a good enough person to desire the same things that he wants. There are other girls out there that will do what he wants. He even showed me a picture last night of him having a three some. I always told him I would never do that so he found some one better who will.
I just wish I was able to be that person. The person he always wanted me to be. Everytime he gives me another chance, I always screw it up and take it to far. Like when I came over last night instead of just letting him show me those pictures I had to yell at him. Maybe if I would have just looked at them he wouldnt have gotten frustrated and said those mean things about me. Maybe then he would love me enough to change.
I dont know i know its stupid and that none of this is probably true but thats how I feel today.
I feel like I dont belong here, on pandys. I feel like yalls situations are relavant and I'm just over reacting and bein desperate. You guys dont deserve to be treated the way that these people have and are treating you, but I do.
This stuff really is my fault and I appreciate you all being here for me. I just have to accept that I will never be good enough for him, and let him find some one who is.
It makes me so sad to say that, but it's true. I just hope I can hold back from talking to him because I dont want to get in his way of doing that.