Just venting again lol
I got a couple books at the library today, and one of them was about this woman whos abusive husband just died, and she was trying to get the lady to be honest with her like she knew she was being fake.
It stressed me out like I was so worried about the woman and upset that she was trying to expose her and make her realize she wasnt happy. Like I just wanted her to stay in her own little bubble. My stomach started hurting and I started starin off into space, but I recognized that a panic attack was on it's way and I put the book down. improvement lol.
I think it's because I'm extra stressed since this is the third night since we broke up!!!!!! lol kinda makes this sentence confusing, but this is the third night since we broke up and I am just waiting for the storm to hit. I know he's getting ready to come up with something crazy since his 'episodes' have been so much more frequent in these past six or seven months, and if I am trying to keep this break up permanent, I know that I'm gonna have to start telling people the truth about us.
My mom keeps asking me when I'm gonna make up with him and I just know that if he starts pushing then I'm gonna have to push back and I really dont want to.
I have this cousin that I have been wanting to talk to about it for the past month, but I'm so afraid that I won't stick to my guns that there is no way I could tell her. I would feel so terrible if I told her and then went back to him because I know how stressful it is to be the one on the outside worried about the person in danger. I would never ever want her to worry about me like that like I have been doing this for three years I know that I will be fine but if I talk to some one new about it, to them it will be like this new dangerous situation. I also don't want people to know because if they know, then they will get mad at me for going back to him. What's the point in having their support if they are just gonna criticize me anyways?
I just need to take it day by day and worry about tommorrow tommorrow and then eventually I'll be over him, I hope.
He called yesterday five seperate times explaining to me why he didnt cheat on me and why I'm crazy for asking him questions and telling me that he is going to have sex with another woman if I dont apologize and say I believe him. He told me he only hit me because I hit him first or because I act crazy and need somebody checking me. He told me he didnt rape me,(which he already admitted to me a million times) and if I bring it up again I'm really gonna see him mad. He said that he cant help that he has to cheat and make me have sex with him because it's my fault for being a freezer. He's really trying and it's exhausting.
Today he called to say he had the flu and ask me if I was feeling sick. I said only because of stress and asked him if he went out any where to eat last night, (I was thinking maybe he had food poisening), and he started yelling at me againg saying that I'm always the one accusing him of cheating when in reality he says that I'm cheating.
He actually accused ME of cheating on HIM. How could I ever cheat on him when he "checks" me every time after I go out with my friends, and I dont just mean him getting in my face. I never told any one this before, but he physically like will examine I guess is a good word a certain part of my body, to see if I cheated on him. Like I dont know what he thinks he's gonna find even if I did cheat on him, which I was always way to afraid to even have male friends. Like what a left over condom or sign that says some one else has been here since the last time you looked lol.
I'm so tired and sick to my stomach and irritated and all kinds of crazy emotions. I'm so glad to have found a place where I can say all of this and feel safe.
I dont know what I would do with out this place!! I love s!!