Jump to content


I didn't recognize myself today

Posted by thisisjay , 06 October 2012 · 196 views

I wasn't planning on spending any time on Pandy's this weekend. I have two big papers to write before Wednesday, but I had an unexpected moment and I felt like I needed to be here.

I went shopping today. Old Navy is having a sale on coats today. They're only $15. I decided to buy one. I haven't had a coat in years. The only coats I've ever had were those big puffy marshmellow ones and I hated them so I stopped wearing them in 7th grade. I've worn hoodies ever since. I know it gets cold in the winter but I'm usually not outside for long. But I'm in college now and I have to walk around campus and I have errands and other responsibilities. So, I bought a coat. A nice dark blue one. Then I left and continued shopping. I was mostly just looking around not looking to buy anything else.

I was in a different store when I saw this sweater. My eyes kept getting drawn back to it. Now I'm not a sweater person. I'm strictly a T-shirt and jeans girl. I only have one that I rarely wear but I liked this sweater. It was in my size so I grabbed it and a couple other shirts I liked and went to the dressing rooms to try them on. I tried the other two shirts on first and I liked one, the other didn't fit. Then I put the sweater on and it fit perfectly. Then I took my hair down, looked up at my face, and I didn't recognize myself. I looked like a woman. I've never felt like one before. I've always described myself as a girl. I guess because I've never done/had any of the things that women do/have. I've never had a job, had sex, kissed a boy, or even been on a date. But I was looking in the mirror at a woman I didn't recognize. I don't even know what brought it on. I tried on several other shirts and sweaters today and this didn't happen. I look in the mirror everyday and this has never happened, not like this.

I'm just really depressed now. I guess maybe because I don't like who I am. Or maybe because I never really got a childhood so how can I be a woman now? Maybe because I didn't even notice it happen. I bought the sweater anyway. It was beautiful and I looked beautiful in it. And I don't think it was the sweater itself making me sad it was me. I was fighting tears the entire way home.

I guess I'm writing this because I'm hoping you guys can help me make some sense of it. I need to get back out. I can't spend the entire day depressed. Like I said I have papers to write and other errands to run, besides spending the entire day depressed is awful. I think in hopes of getting over this sudden depression I'm going to treat myself out to lunch and maybe get a hot chocolate. If that doesn't work I'll spend the afternoon relaxing and start one of my papers tonight.

Oct 07 2012 08:34 PM
I would offer help, but it actually sounds like you know what to do! I've had moments like these, and still do on occasion. Maybe don't fight the tears, just let them out


Trigger Warning

I am not censoring anything I say in this blog so please be careful when you read it.

June 2016

26 27 282930  

Recent Entries

Recent Comments

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.