I've been kind of avoiding Pandy's lately. I just really haven't felt like being here. I've been checking in sparadically and not staying on the site very long. Lately when I've come here I've just read a couple non-intense posts, maybe responded to some status updates, and then quickly left the site. I think that I'm trying to avoid my memories. I've been trying to push them out of my mind so that I don't have to deal with them right now. I've been dealing with the stress of starting and assimilating to a new school so I think that's part of the reason I don't want to have to deal with my past right now. I always feel so different when I'm at school and that's hard. So in order to feel less different I guess I've been trying to forget about my past for a little while, which I know is impossible. It's not working at all. I'm almost at the end of my second week and have barely talked to anyone. I spend most of my days not talking to anyone and it's getting really hard. It's just reminding me that I am different and I feel like people see that. It makes me want to push my past away more.
A couple months ago when I joined Pandy's it was a huge step for me. I never had any help dealing with this stuff. I've spent the ten years since the abuse ended ignoring the memories and affects until they became too much to bear then I would break down and repeat the process once the breakdown was over. I don't even know what inspired me to search for sites like this but joining Pandy's was probably the healthiest decision I've ever made. I know it doesn't replace real therapy but finding this place after so many years alone was life changing. And now after only slightly over two months of facing my past I'm trying to shove it back in it's box for awhile. I don't really want to. I just don't know how else to deal. I'm just so tired of being alone.
I don't know why I'm even posting this here. I guess to explain why I haven't been that supportive when I have still been asking for support from all of you. I'm sorry for that. I'm just wallowing in my solitude.