My Mother's Bubble
Because of her bubble she spends so much time denying her own emotions that she doens't understand other people's. She doesn't understand that people can be different from her. So when she comes across someone going through something she doesn't understand, she immediately assumes they are "acting stupid" and mocks them.
I think that she had to build this bubble as a child. From the stories I've heard, my grandmother was very emtionally abusive. Maybe physically too. I think that the bubble helps her cope. It blocks out things that are to painful for her to face. The downside is that because it blocks the pain she can't see reality clearly.
I think that I could forgive most of the things her bubble caused her to do. I think that I could eventually forgive my mother for the emotional, physcial, and covert sexual abuse. None of them were ever extreme. I know that she has never been aware that she was doing these things. I know she never meant to hurt me. If you were to ask her, she would deny any of it ever happend. To her, they never did.
I could also possibly forgive her for never knowing how to help me. She was never intelligent enough to help with homework. Never intelligent enough to tell me what to do next or give advice on anything. As parents are suposed to. She was never emotionally aware of anything. I had to learn how to do everything on my own. She was useless when I needed help. She tried, I think I can forgive her because of that, but she has just never able to. In fact, I was the one she always came to for help. No matter how young I was, I was always better suited to be the adult. Perhaps I could forgive her for that too, always making me be the adult.
I can forgive her for the thousands of things she did that a good mother without a bubble would never do. I understand that it's who she is. I understand that she never meant to do any of them. I know she tried hard to be a good mother, despite her bubble. I know she thinks she was. Sometimes she was. Sometimes I wish that was enough to forgive everything and make me hate her less.
But how can I ever forgive her for not wanting to acknowledge the abuse? How did that not break her bubble? Perhaps I can understand never seeing the connection between the bedwetting, haircutting, nightmares, constantly wanting to stay with my grandmother, or the thousand other little things I now recognize were signs of abuse. Lots of people don't see those signs. They don't want to connect those dots and see the horrid picture they make. So I can understand that...a little.
After we moved in with our stepfather his biological daughter came to see my mother. She did this twice that I'm aware of. She told my mother that her father sexually abused her as a child. I don't know what all she said to her but I know she warned my mother. She told my mother that she was afraid for us. She told her to get us away from him or it would happen to us too. My mother asked my stepfather about it. He, naturally, denied it. She believed him. Her bubble made her so easy to manipulate. She never asked us. She just took him at his word. How can I forgive that? I don't remeber if this woman told my mother this before or after the abuse had started, but if my mother had just asked me it could have changed everything. It could have saved me. She couldn't even risk popping her bubble to save me. I don't think I can ever forgive her for that.
Even after my stepfather was convicted of molesting my cousin she still didn't believe it. Her bubble would not allow it. She thought my cousin had done it to ruin her perfect life because she was jealous. Want to guess who planted that idea in her head? She didn't ask me then either.
It amazes me how some people can allow themselves to be so blind. I only hope one day I can get away from her before I start to develop my own bubble.