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Confronting my abuser

Posted by thisisjay , 01 August 2012 · 164 views

Last year I found out my stepfather died. We were contacted by an insurance company because apparently my mother was still the person he listed. Turned out he died late December 2010. When I found out he was dead I was so relieved. I couldn't believe it, not until I was holding his death certificate in my hands. When we got it in the mail, I knew what it would be and had to open it. I had to see it. I needed the proof. I was so relieved and happy I felt like laughing. I was sitting there with this spinning around in my head trying not to smile because my sister was sitting beside me and knows nothing of the abuse.

But now that he is dead, I will never get to confront him. He spent the last years of his life in some hospital nursing home place that was in a different state. As I got older I often thought of tracking the place down and confronting him. But, I didn't learn to drive until I was nineteen and since no one new about what he did to me I couldn't just ask people to take me to him. I had thought about doing it after I got my liscense but knew my mother would never let me take her car for that long. Not that it would have mattered anyway because he died two months before I got my liscense.

Lately, I've been thinking more and more about needing to confront him, needing to tell him how much he hurt me, scream at him, and demand answers. I've thought about writing a letter expressing everything and then just burning it to get it all out of me. I don't know if that would be satisfying enough though. I've also thought about finding his grave and setting it on fire. Or just finding his grave and talking at it. I think I've become set on just finding out where he was buried, going there and seeing what comes of it. I feel like I need some type of closure but I don't think I'm ever going to get it. I don't even know how to go about finding his grave.

If anybody that read this did get to confront their abuser, how did it feel? Was it worth it?

Thank you for responding to this. I am sorry that you too had an evil stepfather. I've accepted that I'll never get to see him in person and yell in his face but I am still looking for his grave. I may spit on it a couple times too. All I've found so far is the town he was in when he died but I can't find his name in any of the cemetary records. Acceptance takes a lot of courage in my opinion. I applaud you for it. Take care.

Trigger Warning

I am not censoring anything I say in this blog so please be careful when you read it.

July 2016

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