I hate how I cannot stop the worrying and questions of turning out like the toxic environment and people who were once a part of my daily and life in general.
This is all triggered by the fact every Tuesday my friend, who had the birthday thing this past Saturday, has a meeting at school for this writers group. I did not go last week since Tuesdays are the only stay at hm day and I work on homework since Thursdays and Fridays I am interning so it is difficult to get things done over at the house I stay at those days. I guess I just always feel like people get mad and/or try to guilt me to go do things when I already have a pretty full plate. Like this writers group, I am not even on campus and I told my friend this. Plus my school is an hr away and I already deal with that traffic Mondays and Wednesdays so the less school, the better since I do another 1.5 drive Thursdays and Fridays for my internship.
Ugh just wish I kind of brought up the whole friends and going out in session with T the other days. But T seemed more curious how my first internship went and all. Also, we spoke about this job for an award show later this year that I will be applying for. So, I guess it was more focusing on the here and now and short term goals.
Then, something scary happened a bit but think it was just anxiety, I brought up the subject of adult and child self in me and how sometimes I can "self-talk" out if certain situations like when anxiety, stress or phobias are high. But as she was talking about how the adult self is supposed to tell the child self that it will be okay, I felt this sudden rush to my head like my vision, not blurry, but I saw spots of foggy white. I usually get the foggy white spots when sometimes reading or using computer for too long. Or allergies. But God I felt like I was going to pass out and surprised she did not ask me if I was okay. So that is why I am assuming it was anxiety due to sessions bringing back old feelings over stuff.