That was when T told me to stop doing that. She said to not always associate the trauma (particularly the SA) with the anxiety being back. Then, she asked me if I understood why it was basically a concern and a red flag to not do that. I responded that telling/forcing to do something (in my case, the SA) it can make the anxiety and stress worse; especially if it is already mild to high lately. She then told me that she was glad I brought up the subject; but said that my answer was not what she meant. T then said---and interpreting what I remember since I will have to ask her next week what she exactly meant---that forcing/peer pressuring myself puts my body back in that vulnerable state of having no physical control which is where my body was at with the trauma of dad's drinking, brother's abuse to me, the abuse in general and family collision
So, I am still trying to wrap my mind around what she meant; think just writing it out is helping. So, times even when my aunt and cousin, who know of SA, said that I HAVE to tell---more so, back then and there---that was also a red flag. T is telling me that it is all about timing and that I will most likely get to that point of telling my mom and being open of the SA by brother. She also thinks as well do I that my mom is finally or slowly realizing that me going to therapy has to do more than anxiety which is triggered by trauma.
T also gave me a technique to decrease the chest sharpness/tickle which is clearly associated with anxiety. My chest gets those cramp tension like legs that turn sore after a run/jog.
I also admitted to T that worrying clearly triggers the anxiety, stress and everything. She seemed glad that I brought that up.
Also, said that in addition to the chest tightness and tension, the back of my head felt numb---not lightheaded---but more so like I was tired. Forgot to mention, but assuming it is work out soreness, in left arm on inner crease of where elbow bender. Like atop the elbow. Plus, been web surfing A LOT of phone and writing so that adds on too.
I feel like some extent of tension and worry was uplifted off of me. Now, I am tired. Think it did drain me; always expecting the worse to happen which I FINALLY told T a few weeks ago.
But T says that she believes I had always "dealt" with the trauma all along due to writing about it---the themes, darkness, sadness and anger without really knowing. She actually gave me a compliment on that.
I have no idea what I will do today; but feeling tired.
A bit scared since she did mention that, ultimately, she will expect when dealing with trauma--dad, brother, mother and family collision--there will be old feelings and even new brought. Such as sadness, anger and rage. She informed me that this is NORMAL in my situation. That when it comes to my abnormal upbringing and being surrounded by toxic and the things done to me, it is almost expected for survivors to feel these emotions. I see it as a way that anyone else who were in my shoes would feel the same.
It is just those who bash and try or do put down others, especially survivors, are the ones who need the real help because they are bullies.
NOTE: T mentioned for me to just look up support groups. Think I have the name wrong but is was "Support Sisterhood" or something around there. Would be a big help if someone send over the link.