My brother comes off as quiet and whatnot. Part of me wants to punch him on the face and the other part says it's not and his not worth it. He knows what he did so he has to live with that.
Tonight, honestly like many of you, May have not been horrible but if I have the choice to not go to family events then I will not. I would have probably felt happier and alone at hm. But something I noticed is that my brother seemed to not "mind" being close to me. Like I was the one who was trying to stay far away as possible like he does not exist; but it seemed like he didn't mind when we were accidentally standing by each other.
Also when I arrived at aunts, I was laughing since it was packed and didn't know who to hug and as I looked up, still smiling, there was my brother who almost smirked or something at me. I walked away ASAP.
I told T that I'm not afraid of the abuse (SA; mental; emotional) will happen again by brother but more so annoyed like waning to either confront him again and at look you SA me and you are the one who will have to answer at the end of your life. So I hope you're able to forgive yourself for your actions. You're a sex offender and if I ever hear or see you doing what you did to me to someone else, I will cut your d*** off and best the living sh** out of you!
It was just awkward and uncomfortable at times. Like not all of my family is jerks but eh I rather be hanging out by myself or movie hopping alone. Or writing.
I did stand up for self three times today. Felt good since I didn't kick my butt for doing so like I used to. But had---sorry to be gross---bad number two and almost wanted to puke.
Today could've depressed me more but it felt good to stand up to dad---telling him in a text that he wrote that to take care and have a nice life since he and brother are toxic to me and well I have better and other things to worry about. To my brother---I see by going to these family events and able to enjoy myself to some degree is showing him that I'm not this destroyed person and yeah that's right I have dreams. To my mom---saying kind of louder since I want whispering that NO I'm not taking a picture with her and brother and she can't force me. Also when she started to "whisper" to stepdad I said I could hear her.
I feel like smiling a bit since God it feels good to not feel bad for basically giving the middle finger to these people. It sucks since my dad, mom and brother should be the ones who I trust but eh they have hurt me too many times. I seriously can't wait to be out on own, able to pay for my own stuff and have the luxary of if and if I don't want to go to these events.
I have already been emotionally disconnecting with family in general which yeah makes me a bit sad since I am the black sheep but eh I rather be true to self than acting more fake.