Home warming party
But I am also seeing this party as an "opportunity" to flat confront my brother but in private. I have confronted my brother of the sexual abuse but did not say it in those words (I do not think). I actually want to tell that him and dad were abusive and that it is HIS secret for sexually taking advantage of me. I want to tell him that maybe I can forgive him and my dad and obviously know that they will probably never fess up to what they did (after all my dad is still in denial about a lot of stuff) but that I will NEVER forget. My brother "deserves" to know that not only do a few people know what he did to me but that I am no longer the little girl he belittled and took advantage of. Ever again.
I want to tell him to go ahead and go running to dad or maybe even mom and people at the party that I was threatening him and whatnot; but in reality, there is always a WHY to the story.
I do feel alone and get bummed about it. I wish I had a boyfriend who knew about it and that I could run to his house for the family gatherings and holidays. Being around family just makes me feel more alone and fake. It is like I have no desire anymore to be around family. I know why and I should not he this way but it is because this abuse has now kept me afraid of getting close to someone who does/will accept me for me.
People I hung around with either did not treat me right or used me to make themselves feel better. I am now in a place where, as embarrassing this is to admit, I want friends; but then I worry about the whole should I tell these friends/will they stay or leave/will they believe me or judge me.
Maybe I am damaged forever; but thing I refuse is to let my brother and even my dad (but seems like he got the point when I would not answer back his calls/texts since he wanted to fight and I said I had better things to do) know is that I remember and they will be held accountable for what they did. I wish I had some more sympathy for them (dad is half dead and is so angry at himself and blames others) so this anger will not make me worse.
I do not know if I will go to the house party but know mom will be pissed since I told her that I had a play to see for school and she got all well my friends want to meet you and your cousins will be there. When in reality, my cousins and I grew apart (especially after that night I was crying drunk over dad and nobody wanted to deal with me since they wanted to get f'd up themselves.
I am just afraid that I will end up alone. I am a two face, saying that girls who b**** over guys and not wanting to be alone are pathetic (well more in my head) when I am just as worse. I am worried that I will just be more isolated, not trusting anyone from friends to relationships. After all I fall for the wrong guys and then cannot get over them since I ponder why them and not someone who I available.
I am still thinking of that PA from my internship over the summer. When I see pics of him or even posts on Facebook or Instagram, a part of me feels all bummed because it is like he is the perfect guys: works in same industry as I want to get into; writes; really good looking in my eyes and actually acknowledges me. Like wanting to say hi to me and whatnot.
I just find it weird when guys are interested in me (hope that does not sound cocky) but like I think that I am just too messed up for them and not want to drag then into my crap.
Ah this is a long rant but stuff that triggered since my mom'a sister is here and nothing against her, but I do the whole thing if my family really does love me and whatnot.
My mind is seriously everywhere. Get that 21 year old mind like hey let's go partying and then maybe through my eyes, just another day as someone who is healing from this stuff.