What worries me is that I HAVE told her a few times of my brother taking advantage of me/abusing me/both him and dad disrespecting me for years and years and when someone told them "NO"," they got pissed. Because I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF TO THEM. But, my mom, once again, only listens so much to me. Because the following day after she made a comment to my step-dad she said that "We'll have to do Christmas cards with our kids." Then, I told her in front of my step-dad that I was NOT going to take pictures. Then, she said "stop being a baby" after telling her why would I want to be in a pictures with two people I no longer talk nor want anything to do with. So, I tried contacting T to get in earlier but she was booked. Good thing is that I see T tomorrow after school; but the waiting just kills me since I NEED to tell her stuff that has been on my chest for a while.
Also, just a few minutes ago, I remembered a girl that my brother dated maybe about five years ago. I was 15 at the time. I started remembering how the first time I met this girl, she was sitting on the couch, under a blanket with my brother. Although, they were not doing anything and were fully clothed, I just remember, as I was walking in (think mom had just picked me up from a friend's house), how that was weird and...disrespectful since they stayed like that. I said hi to the girl, who I think said something to my brother since it looked like she wanted to move or get up to greet me, and went into my room to drop off stuff. But as I was putting things away, my mom come to the bedroom doorway and if not in these exact words but somewhere around "Just stay in here, leave them alone out there."
A few weeks later, my mom I supposed asked my brother how this girl was. Then, my brother told her that he did not know because he was no longer talking to her. I remember I found this weird; especially when (I have NO IDEA why I asked but thinking because I had always known what my brother did to me but was not 'aware' of it yet) I asked my brother one day if he had sex with this girl. He said yes. Now, I do not remember EXACTLY how it fell into place, but eventually I supposed that my brother told me, after asking him, that he stopped hearing this girl after they slept with each other. Now, as I was thinking about this a few minutes ago, I KNEW that I was going to start blaming myself to some degree as I am guilty, etc. I even thought of this while going for my walk.
But, what SOMEWHAT got me to 'calm down'/reassuring myself a few times that I am NOT AT FAULT FOR THIS was when I recalled of addressing that elephant in the room a few years ago. I remember I was pissed, confronting my brother and even saying "What did you do to her/I find that really weird how she no longer talks to you since you guys slept with each other." And all he said was I did not do anything and that this girl was not even talking to another high school classmate of his---my brother met this girl through his high school prom date. From what he told me and my mom, supposedly, this girl's cell phone no longer worked like it was out of service. So, at that time, my brother and his old high school prom date had not heard from her.
I remember how...calm this was all seen by my brother and mom. I SOMEWHAT recall my mom asking my brother what had happened to this girl; but he gave the whole "I don't know" crap. But, I am TRYING TO SEE that the reason why I AM NOT AT FAULT is because I not only 'confronted' my brother, showing my anger (which I did not know why I was feeling back then) but my mom. I remember telling my mom two things: that if it were ME who was sitting on the couch, under the covers with a boy as she came home, she would be PISSED so WHY is it OKAY that brother does not get into trouble. And I told her too "I find it weird how she stopped talking to him after sleeping with him" or somewhere around those lines. All my mom's reaction seemed to be was the shrug of shoulders and "OH well, let him deal with it"/"Not getting involved."
I feel a bit BETTER for ranting about this. I HOPE that I tell my T of this memory tomorrow--even though she is barely having me discuss of dad's drinking and abuse. I sometimes find myself (or maybe more than I would like to admit to myself) so worried, expecting the WORSE to happen. I have also thought to myself that my brother possibly took advantage of me because he has ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF me. With the writing; wanting to go to a university; getting recognition for the writing. But, most of this stuff was from dad since he would BRAG AND BRAG how I was like this God for writing at a young age (after all, dad would even somewhat BLAME ME for crap he started when he said that my brother was 'proud' of me but I was getting attention that I did NOT ASK FOR and he was not).
I am TRYING MY BEST NOT TO BE ANGRY with them or myself. I mean, ironically, I got a quote from my old church that FORGIVING EVERYONE is what makes a good Christian. I am not very religious, although I do believe in and talk to God, but sometimes I wonder if that even counts for people who have been abused. I even told my T at last session that I wonder why my dad and brother, etc. are not suffering and she seemed a bit caught of guard and told me to explain to her tomorrow what I meant by that. I guess what I meant was "why do I HAVE TO feel this pain, get anxiety, cry over this stuff, not move on while they seem to live and not care or even get away with it!"
Then, I SOMETIMES think to myself of someone here on Pandy's telling me that God IS holding them accountable for my dad and brother's actions. I just NEED TO LEARN to focus on me, letting God take care of it and seeing that both my dad and brother KNOW what they did and possibly CANNOT BEAR TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES. But, what still gets me is that they may NEVER EVER apologize nor come out about it to the public. They MAY live in denial, acting like I am BRAINWASHED AND AT FAULT.