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Needed a break

Posted by writer2010 , 30 September 2013 · 49 views

I feel as though that i did HORRIBLE on my acting project with group. Was so nervous. I left school early since I had this headache and felt really tired. Just needed a breather.

I was hoping to see T since Friday, mom's wedding, seem to be all worrying that HE was there. Guess I was wrong too--like I always am--when I think this is the start of mom listening. The day after I told her, like I have a multiple of times, that I was going to therapy for not just learning about the anxiety but to deal with a lot of unresolved family issues--dad and brother. She listened the day after her wedding--well, not yelling at least like she typically does when I bring them up; particularly brother. Plus, I told her that she flip flops when it comes to talking about them (well, at least the fact that I have the right not to talk to them because they had mistreated me for too long).

The next day, she made a comment how now that her and bf are married, they will have to "do Christmas cards with our kids." Meaning HIM in them. I think she was somewhat being 'goofy' but I told her that I was not going to be in pictures with someone I WANT NOTHING TO DO with; then, she got somewhat annoyed and said to stop being a baby. That was when I told her not to judge because there is A LOT of things that she does not know. Yet again, she did not listen.

My T had told me that I seem to be looking for that 'mother hen' reaction from mom; but even though she has not said it and could be wrong, but I think my T is trying to tell me in a 'nice' way that I will NEVER get that comfort/hugging reaction from mom when it comes to dad and brother.

I am getting worried/frustrated because I seem (or maybe I am) to connect present day stuff like school stuff such as not feeling like I did too well on my acting project to my past--mainly the abuse from brother. Sometimes, I get so worried if my past will drag me down.

I felt like I hit a low point when I got burned out almost a year ago (will be this Dec.) from taking six classes, looking for apartments, applying to jobs and internships and writing different stories for school as I squeezed in time to work on this novel. Lately, been feeling...afraid that I may never achieve my dreams because I am not meant to do them. Afraid of failing or about to or, even, get a nervous breakdown.

Sometimes, I just feel overwhelmed and find myself actually getting that depressed feeling when I do not write to just write.

I did come home since T did not have any open appointments for tomorrow (so see her the day after still) and worked on the novel. I mean, this draft of the novel is so far a lot of deleting/condensing material so that is why I seem to only get through 1-2 pages. I just feel...disappointed that I am going through this pain/anger/frustration/stress and feel like I have not accomplished ENOUGH with career wise.

I mean, I do find myself saying in my mind and even aloud that it was not time for this novel to get published because of dad who was greedy and even certain family members and almost having to go through certain emotions such as grieving over-still do but maybe not as much-dad's relapse/addiction. Because at the end, I wrote about my experience/life if not 100% but VERY CLOSE to it.

I guess, maybe, I need to work on not connecting everything to my past or even myself as an individual to them like I am a drunk/will become one or self-doubting. Beside, I know that when seeing or hearing my brother's name, it triggers higher emotions for me and makes me self-doubt and go from step A to Z--always assuming the worst will happen.

April 2014

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