Mom just got married
I just got back about two hours ago (been having tummy issues from I think mainly from the stress of just dreading all this time to get through the event).
What sucks is how my mom's now husband's son did not even come to the court wedding since he had plans. So, I felt a bit relieved because a part of me wanted to truly believe that my brother was not going to show up too since I overheard that he works at night until the middle of the night. But, then he called my mom this morning as we were getting ready so...
I feel somewhat mad at myself because (even though I knew this was going to happen) being in a few pictures with him. Not alone. But like one with my mom and the other with my mom's husband and his daughter. What is ironic too is how my mom's husband's kids do not talk (but of course for other reasons which I do not bothering asking since it is none of my business).
But, about a few seconds ago I just remembered how my step-dad's daughter, which I had no problem with since she is really sweet, and my brother signed as the witnesses for my mom and step-dad's pre-ceremony. At that moment, I was PISSED--wanting to punch or tear up the paper; but now, I just feel like the whole "prob will tell mom later about that." After all, I sometimes find it 'ironic' how my real dad jumped my mom's now husband a few years ago so obviously my step-dad does not LIKE my dad but will prob never say how he really feels when I am around (which I can respect since after all that IS my dad and my step-dad just does not want to disrespect me). So the 'irony' is that my brother lives with my dad. So, sometimes I want to believe that my mom's now husband is just being cordial with my brother--even though deep down, he prob does not care so much for him.
Also, I felt awkward at times like prior to my brother showing up, my mom's two sisters and best friend were like "oh he is coming/when/what time" as I was standing there--prob cursing inside of my head. Then, it got all...weird when he showed up. I have not spoken to my brother (with the exception of telling him to leave this past mother's day when he had stayed the night) since, in all honestly, confronting him about what he did to me for those 7-8 years.
But, not so much right now, I feel all afraid/angry/upset/confused since I do not want to act fake--especially when he is around for the family holidays/events because a part of me wants to go cry/scream/get angry but like today, after somewhat snapping out of it, I thought to myself "why do I HAVE TO BE SAD?" I do not want to be sad. I have a right to be happy.
But lately, I have been wondering if this mindset of wanting to be happy, allowing self to grieve over him and my dad and ALL OF THIS CRAP, is actually me ignoring or attempting to avoid to...tell them what my brother did. Now that my mom is married, sometimes I find myself getting all worried like how will my step-dad take it if I tell him of my past or will they listen and will I tell them at T's office.
Mom's husband is really nice (hell, told her and even a few people that a man who stays with a woman after being put through hell by her ex has a BIG HEART because NO man or really ANYONE would stick around after that.)
Also, what is funny too (actually found myself wanting to laugh) was that after everyone had left the court house to go get lunch, my brother called my mom and since her husband and his daughter asked what was wrong, she told them that my brother got a parking ticket because he was using my ahole father's car and had the disability placket on the mirror and so the cop (heard all of this at lunch from mom's best friend who was telling my mom) asked him for his license and obviously they saw that my brother's license did not match with my dad's disability placket. So, may be stooping to their level but have to do this, HA HA HA KARMA ON YOUR A** A******!
That felt good, putting that! I seriously wanted to laugh when hearing that because for too damn long (although I will struggle with this still) I just feel alone like wondering if all of this not telling is keeping me from living my life and being happy. Plus, yES I will admit it, I sometimes WANT TO HEAR that my dad and brother are, in fact, in HELL. I know we are not supposed to really feel like that, but cannot help it. Maybe because it is the whole well if I am suffering, going to the T's when I do not have the addiction or abused someone for years, then they BETTER BE SUFFERING and feel like crap.
I do not know. Sometimes, I find myself all "F*** those a****** because they KNOW what they did" while the other part of me thinks, "Did that really happen" or "Am I the abuser?"
I feel a bit hyped up but, as mean as this sounds, sometimes I CANNOT WAIT to (not get hopes up) let the public see just what I went through and what those people did to me by writing about it. It is weird because before realizing that I wanted to become a writer, I had been writing about abuse, family crap and feeling that lost/no one will ever understand my pain or me in my stories. I told my T that and said that I even wrote some scenes where characters are being abused and I would use my pain/anger for the emotions of writing it. But, I do not recall actually having any type of reliving the events/trauma/anxiety (with the exception of once) while writing these scenes.
In fact, if anything, I feel like it helped me and was relieving because since (although I LOVE MY MOM TO DEATH) my parents raised me about shoving everything under the carpet. So, if they will not listen/talk about it, then I will make sure to.
Just like the other day too, had my mom print a short script for me. She said she read the first page and that was it (do not know why exactly but kind of have a feeling). I told her that the story was about dad (getting drunk phone calls from him after his relapse during my first week of college) and all she said was "yeah." Now thinking about it, feel like she stopped reading because she did not want to be exposed to my pain/anger/hurt over what he had done. Plus, I used real names like my aunt and my dad's old roommate.
I am just getting to the point AT TIMES of that "I am just done" feeling! I have the RIGHT TO BE HAPPY and to see that as long as I KNOW THE TRUTH, then it will all fall into place. I have not been to church in a LONG TIME or ever read the bible, but I am doing my best to take it to heart even more that God would NEVER EVER put one in a horrible place.
I know this time of year will be ROUGH because holidays are the "b.s. times" where the whole family is key/everything makes me roll my eyes. But, I hope that I tell what I just wrote to my T. She has said a multiple of times that she believe I am in a safer place and that is why she wants me to start talking about my dad as a one time good person and the addiction. I told her that my dad's relapse and the way he acted (especially when my grandpa died) it broke my heart as though I were dumped by a boyfriend--even though I never had a boyfriend.
There has to be hope. I can feel that there is and that I am going to make something out of myself and, perhaps, help others one day. Because I try to tell myself whenever I get so sad/bummed/depressed/angry/afraid that it is okay to say that you are not okay and the ones who judge and point the finger are the ones with the BIGGER problems because they are in denial.