Then, when I got home from school, found out that my future step-dad was hm since he has to work later tonight. Then, all of a sudden...these mix of emotions almost seemed to...calm down or something. Anyway, going to write. T thinks it is a great idea to express these emotions by writing (especially since I told her that a lot of stuff I write has to deal with situations--if not exactly but close--that I am going/went through.
Also, been wanting to tell my mom that I have never been okay; even though I have before but feel like by telling her in a calmer matter (because I THINK the other times I told her, it was either after arguing or she just would not listen too much). I want to; but when it comes to alone time with just me and her...it is like I am just processing how it will all go -- she will ignore and hear what she wants like she usually does; yell and scream or get mad. After all, her marriage is next Friday. But, I want to tell her that--not like I have not before--all this unresolved family stuff and even her and dad's unhealthy marriage and dad's relapse and, YES, that her son was abusive (but do not want to say what exactly since I choked on the words a few months ago and do not know how I will respond if I just say it) and tell her that I NEVER had the chance to deal with the stuff back then and that,once again, I not only go to therapy because of anxiety/stress but to work on trauma work.
Also, I am just hating this time of year. School, then holiday after holiday. Wanting to rush this yr. so I can work and just take off on the holidays. Be away from so-called family. I seriously think I have no emotion at times when it comes to family. It is like I wish I never knew them.
Also, too I found out the other night that my aunt, cousin and uncle, whom all lived with my grandpa prior to his death taking care of him, are, in fact, moving out of the house. There has been just this stupid court battle between my aunt and her sister (my aunt whom supposedly said I needed a good therapist because something like I was brainwashed when, in reality, heard she is an alcoholic herself. So auntie who sits there and points the finger, BURN IN HELL) and her brother (my dad -- well what can I say. What else do you plan on doing to take your anger and pain out on the "close" ones in your life. You should just seriously kill yourself or just go under a rock. I may still be grieving over you lie you are, in fact, dead; but knowing you, you will probably outlive everyone else but if that is so you can suffer, then GOOD). And brother...you KNOW what you did. Lie all you want; but knowing you, you are either drinking, smoking or conflicting some type of pain on yourself. GOOD. You two both deserve to feel like crap because for YEARS, I was disrespected and taken advantage of for WHAT! Because I was the younger one so had no brain! Because you are both misogynists.
I want this pain and anger to go away! I want those people to feel like dirt. I know we are not supposed to wish bad on others or suffering but I cannot help it! I need to know that they ARE suffering, knowing that they are abusers/liars/a****** and just flat out, guilty.