Starting school again tomorrow
This past year, my junior year in college, was one of the HARDEST semesters ever. I am trying my best to 'focus' on the fact that this semester, it is just random classes so maybe it will be a break from the writing/film-TV world. I was telling my T a few weeks ago that taking the film classes-especially the screenwriting courses-was fun at first because it forced me to write for classes and continue to pursue my own; but that was the problem, my mind was racing even more with film film film and just burned me out. I know that is mainly why I broke out with panic attacks because I was so exhausted and just felt like I never had a breather. Plus, I remember two weeks before ending my fall semester last year, it was just typing assignment after the other thrown my way.
So, now with one more year left-I hope-I feel as though I am taking a 'right' path. I am only going to campus twice a week and taking three classes that are an hour and fifteen minutes each (last semester was three days a weeks and all the film classes were two hours and forty-five minutes plus a four hour production course). I am also taking four lower division classes like the intro classes and just one upper division (last semester was all upper division except like one class).
At my internship too this past summer, I ran into a former student assistant teacher of mine and told him the classes I was taking for this fall semester. So feel a bit relieved that he told me that my acting class (non major theatre) is basically partner presentations and like one solo project and the teachers are MFA students. He also told me that my professor for my upper division class is really nice and that is why he took another class of hers.
I know I am over-worrying and hoping that I am able to stop the whole talking myself into a really bad anxiety attack like super fast hearbeat and sweaty and even tingly palms. I know I am a bit scared for tomorrow; but keep telling myself that I can always change my schedule, etc. and add and drop classes if needed.
Plus, feeling a bit agitated since today is a family gathering (doubt he is coming down here since it is just people who have not seen the new house) and it is weird because now with the new home, my mom and her fiance want to have family events/holidays here so its like getting used to that. So, in other words, know that it is 'normal' to feel anxious a bit since its something new.
I am just wanting to be, as cliche as it is, happier and know that holding onto anger towards certain people or events will not do any justice. I am a bit terrified and anxious with holidays coming around again because it is like the dreading of him being around that day or two and just getting this family stuff over with. It is weird because the past few times he does come to house like the weekend before mom and I moved and he was packing his own stuff to take with him, it is like the anxiety somewhat stops; but I get angry and frustrated since it is one of those "okay you said hi to mom. Now get out and leave since you dont live here."
I plan to tell my T since that time he came to the house to pack up his belongings triggered anger to the point where I felt shaky like my hands trembled. I only had the fast heartbeat since I just wanted him to leave the house and get lost. I heard too that when a lot of people get angry, their body kind of shuts down such as going pale or getting the shakes or even cold so that is what kept me from 'over-thinking.'
I just want to enjoy the holidays because finding myself more and more each day of wanting to just spend it alone and not be around anyone at all. I know a lot of people dont like their families, kind of finding out in ironic ways, but it would be nice to not have to walk on eggshells. I think a lot has to do with the whole "how to" approach and not being listened to like my mom even cutting me off when I brought up how I was nervous/concerned to start school tomorrow. So it does stress/worry me that my mom will barely listen to me talk about anxiety or even my damn allergies since I dont feel good at times because I always think that she will NEVER believe me.