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Posted by writer2010 , 01 August 2013 · 24 views

I started crying on the way home from allergist after finding out that I have the option to get the shots to make my body immune to the stuff I am allergic too. A LOT lately I feel like I am bipolar or have split personalities: one is all smiles and happy and the other is just bothered by all this family stuff and life and money. Coming home last night after my last day interning for the week, I found myself again that my mood drops because I am back at home with my mother until Sunday night. It is kind of depressing at times to admit that I feel happier (or at least try not to let my worries and stress ruin my life) when I am away from home, working and just being around people who are basically not my family. I am actually a bit concerned to end my internship because then a week after, I start school and I have always had issues with school. I told my T this and I know that is why the anxiety triggered last semester because I was so overwhelmed with school and with another year left, I am not even sure if I can do it.


I know WHY I get like this and have not divulged this info quite yet to my T since other things come up and we talk about that (like moving and that jack*** brother of mine coming to the house to get his stuff) but it is kind of embarrassing for me to admit it. When I started writing to write the summer before high school, I wrote on lined pieces of paper and just kept pouring out details and dialogue for these characters I truly do care about like they are my own kids or something. Reason why I wrote was because my dad would go to 'work' with his roommate who was/is a construction worker (turns out that the only reason why my dad went was so his roommate would keep an eye on him since my dad would blow all of his money on booze and possibly drugs).


So one day as I was writing, my dad asked me what I was doing and I simply told him that I was writing a book, turning a short school story from the fifth grade into a novel. He just looked at me all shocked and I remember he said something around the lines like what did you just say. I saw no big deal in it as he blabbered on how amazing and 'rare' it was and that no 14 year old writes to write for fun. As time went on, he would go around and brag about it-how his daughter was a writer and that she clearly did not inherit that trait from her mother nor him. I thought for the longest time that he was doing what any proud parent would do, until he started saying some f'd up things. One day he told me that he would help me with getting the book out there and I said yeah if you can. Next thing I remember hearing on repeat for the next few years was that he said I should have him be my manager over my mother whom he claimed would rob me of my money and spend it whereas he did not want anything. Turns out the whole s*** talk of my mother being a "party animal" a "c***" and loving her boyfriend and friends more than me and my brother at the time was pretty much his drunken thoughts talking about himself.


When my dad relapsed, he wrote in letter-a response to my own-that I was ungrateful about his 'help' from the book. Another time, just days before a concert that I was looking forward for months with a so-called friend at the times, was ruined when my dad drunk dialed me and started yelling at me due to a previous 'drunk public' embarrassments and me confronting him about it. That was when he called me an amateur over the phone about the writing. Then when he was kicked out of my grandpa's house where his eldest sister, husband and daughter live because of his relapse, he went around (or at least by the sounds of it) to others and said how his sister and niece brainwashed me into not talking to him. That one still hurts because I see as those days, hours and years of tears of joy and sadness because of rejections of the book as "not my work." What pisses me off is when my mom flip flops like agreeing with my dad and even telling me once that my dad and brother did not know what was wrong with me and that they loved me so much. I laughed at the lie and that was when the whole I do not need to prove anything to you because I have better things to do than make up stuff. But what gets me A LOT are the times when my mom has said you are just like your dad and when I confront her, she will say see you are just like him because you always have to get the last say. One time, I think I even cut myself because of her comment.


I just wish this crap would not bother me as much because then I start to wonder why why why do I have to be surrounded by these people who are my family. A lot lately too, I wonder maybe its because I deserve to feel like this (from the abandonment feeling of my parents, whom my lovely brother still has in his life; the stress and anxiety; going to school and just all these things on my mind making me feel like I failed as a writer and an individual). I just wish they would die at times but know that does not do any good for me since I know that I still have some love for my dad and even that ahole brother of mine. I think I do hate my family and just want to give them the middle finger one day and tell them to f' off and go to hell. I am SICK of this family lies, keep everything under the carpet and the pointing fingers because I cannot do this anymore.


I just want to be happier and know that it is difficult because I want to get away from EVERYONE I AM RELATED TO and like start over by making my own family whether it is having friends who love me for me (good and bad parts of myself) or, yes, as embarrassing this one is to admit-a significant other, having someone to come home to and whom I not only love as a lover but a friend and his feeling mutual for me.



April 2014

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