Feel like he wins
My mom got pissed because I didnt want to go with her, that asshole and her fiance to my cousins (brother isnt supposed to talk to mom's fiance, whom my dad jumped years ago and spread lies about like a bitch, because my dad doesnt want him to so who is he now betraying?!) My mom acts like a damn child and literally says, while my wonderful brother and mom's fiance is in the house, "Great. Just great" but all snooty and sarcastic and while I was leaving, neither three of them even said anything (not that I wanted that sick bastard brother of mine to even look at me which he does not. He is such as pussy) and it just made me feel like this piece of shit like I had the scarlet letter on me or something.
So, I am thinking that by getting out of the house will help me deal with the anger and possible anxiety; but today really triggered so much emotions and been having-as gross as it sounds-the shits because I am so stressed since my mom, who usually does, did not call or text me. Then, I find out that my phone is suspended since my mom was late with the bill so I text my mom through my cousin's phone and she does not respond until the second response like five hours later and all she said was "Yeah. Got it..."
So I went into the bathroom, pissed and just started crying and I was teary eye in front of my cousin which I NEVER am since I am a closet crier. Was going to out to dinner with aunt, cousin and uncle but as I was following them to the dinner place, tears started running down my face and knew that I was getting all tummy weird because a.) my mom is ignoring me and playing games b.) my brother gets to pack up all of his shit from my mom's; whereas I was being accused as a liar, spoiled brat, brainwashed and all sorts of b.s. by my dad and possibly even my brother when I kept saying that I did not have all of my stuff from my dad's house and would appreciate if I got it back and that I had better things to do than making up the fact that my belongings were still at the house. But, no-never get everything back and so had to learn how to accept that those pricks possibly trashed or ruined items.
Now, at home, that son of a bitch brother is here and my mom is ignoring me and feel like I need to crap my pants because I was crying, stressed and angry as hell. Lately the anger gets to where I want to physically hurt that mother*** brother of mine who not only masturbated twice and making me believe that siblings having sex was normal gets to have his way like I am the bad guy and he did NOTHING WRONG. There are times when I want to blindside the bastard or just beat the shit out of him; but my dad scares me since he tried to attack me a week or so after my grandpa died and then my mom flip flops and even sticks up for my dad, who supposedly raped her so I find that pretty f'd up that she protects her rapist and son whom she saw TWICE because I remember having sex.
So they say family is what keeps you going-F**K THAT BECAUSE THEY HURT YOU THE MOST AND WILL HURT YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE SO ANGRY AT THEMSELVES AND WILL NEVER CONFESS TO THEIR SINS.
I hate my dad and want to seriously hurt my brother and wish I would just go for it but what always stops me is the whole "they're not worth it" and "it will get better one day" and "you're stronger than you think and they know what they did."
What just makes me sad is how the other night, my cousin who was also raped and molested and she was the first person I confided in for my sexual abuse told me that I was stronger than I think because I am way more "mature" for a 21 yr old because I have real world problems and that I am getting a control of my life by doing it on my own without my parents help. It hurts about the whole without parents help because they should be here for me (not saying my mom isnt because she financially supports me; but emotionally, rarely or never) and makes me upset because wish I had parents and just more people as dumb as it sounds love me for who I am. I just feel like nobody but my aunt, cousin and uncle love me and especially my mom, I just feel like she truly blames me for everything and hates me and it is really screwing me up.