Deep down inside, I want a family
I just feel like no matter how hard I try to see other's points and their reasons and even 'stick up' for myself like telling my mom that I know she works all day and that I am home more than she is, but I am in finals weeks so I am kind of obligated. What is weird too is that even my therapist said in our recent session that from what I told her about my mom getting a bit mad at me last weekend for not wanting to go see houses due to school work is selfish. I have been told many times by an aunt and cousin, dad's side, that my parents were immature and never want to 'deal' with stuff and that is mainly because they do not want to take responsibility; otherwise, they have to realize that they failed as a parent. I would say something to them about that because it made me mad a few times; but now, I am 'seeing' that but in my own time. My dad never apologized for his actions and I know that part of AA that is one of the very first steps is to acknowledge that they have faults which my dad never did. My mom gets mad at me and I cannot help to compare when my brother (abuser) lived here when he lied about going to school to stay home all day to smoke weed and drink and rarely picked up a dish and even had a friend go into my bedroom in high school and steal some of my stuff. And what did my parents do -- really nothing! I still get the feeling that son of a b**** would come into my bedroom while I was at school and do stuff.
I am just wanting to be accepted and have a family (does not have to be blood) but people who will accept me for me and all of my baggage because I know a lot of people will not stay around for the crap that I have seen and had done to me. I would not even want to; but know that there are truly great people out there and just wish I would meet and have more of these individuals in my life because I am tired of feeling like my own family and friends, do not feel like a lot stuck around when dad relapsed because I guess some wanted to party and whatnot and I probably just ruined it for them, hate me and I hate feeling like a stranger. I sometimes want to cave in and go back down that road where I used to self-harm; but always stop my thoughts since I usually get the whole "I need to write about this" "put it into my stories."