I do not know if it is because of midterms and I have one more assignment to go or because of yesterday evening when my mom got all mad. I get scared because this is the second time within a two month period where my mind goes to dark thoughts; but what is weird that both times, I snapped out of it when I watched "depressing" stuff. The first time I saw a film that dealt with strangers knowing each other more than others; the guy was a writer with block and the girl hung around with men who only wanted her for you know and she tried to off herself as a child like her sister but could not do it. Last night, I watched a TV show and the first episode dealt with a boy who off himself in school and the next was about a bipolar student who was having anxiety because he had found the body. It sounds sick but for some reason, I was able to brush those dark thoughts aside after watching this. In fact, the movie made me pumped up to write and I wrote for about an hour or so in my bedroom.
I just get worried that things will never get better especially with certain people in the family and not "seeing" the truth is easier. I always imagined and wonder if I do tell everyone about the abuse (brother) if I will be disowened or something or even beaten up-especially my dad who came towards the front door about a week after my grandpa died because he thought I was saying crap or something to my so-called brother whom I told to just return my belongings from dad's house. I just feel like I have failed and I get scared because alcoholism and abuse runs in the family and I just do not want my life to have no meaning to it. Writing is something that gets me up and hope; but even I get mad because of all of the rejections, both personal and business wise, and scares me if I will ever make it or not.