Pandora's Aquarium: Been attending classes - Pandora's Aquarium

Grr. Something my therapist tells me to do b/c with the anxiety, I would either leave early or not go at all. As weird as it sounds too, I think I got anxiety too b/c I kept thinking what if I just went to class, etc. Anyway, trying not to get my hopes high or be negative either. But, jeez all of this worrying, stress and fears of the future just screw up my system. Tired. I guess I just need to know that for some reason, as much as I struggle of liking it, I am going to school (was not my choice and part of the reason was b/c of dad) and living the way I am. Before, and maybe I slip and fall still, I wish I was someone else. I know that I get-hate to admit-envious of certain people b/c I just get all I wish I had that, etc. I do get a bit sad whenever I see fathers and daughters or a family that can trust each other. I get that EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS; but when it is the intermediate family on both sides, I just feel torn a lot. Gosh! Want to stop feeling sorry for myself.


What is weird too is I have come across on a lot of prayers, quotes on how through the bad times there is also good. I just want to, perhaps, list a few that I was fortunate to recognize. When those two were a part of my life, I was always writing and reading and keeping my mind set on getting a career. With my dad's second relapse, I was sending out letters to agents and although I got rejection after rejection, I meet a family friend author who continues to advise me time to time. Also, with my dad's relapse with drinking, I found out about the other part of my abuse from brother, and I met (going to name it) Nicholas Sparks about a month after this while my dad continued to drunk dial me and leave me nasty voicemails and whatnot. Then, I won three screenwriting awards that following weeks and was told that one of the ceremonys was a big festival. Then the week that my grandpa passed (dad's dad and when things REALLY set the deal for me getting sick of all of this and just took a lot out on me) not only was dad's family drama getting amphed up-mainly due to dad and through the greatvine his second oldest sister-I meet one of my favorite actors (going to put it again) James Franco.




All of this moments that happened, whether it was writing and never giving up (dad even slammed me for it) and meeting people in the industry that I have always admired their work, I just wish I would "see" this more. When I met James Franco, I just felt like I was in a trance like I was looking down on my body b/c all I kept thinking was "why is this happening? I don't deserve this, etc." And what is weird too is how my mom found a posting for his book signing event and I remember before we went to the event, I literally said to God that if I meet one of my favorite actors in the world then I am basically not a piece of s*** and if I do not then I am. I feel a bit misty eyed b/c it does hurt to think about this stuff. It just seems odd and yet sad how these moments that I should be sharing with my family (those two) I cannot b/c they have mistreated me and others one too many times. I guess I just need to focus on THAT, the good. The blessings b/c for some reason, as I try to tell myself time to time, my life did NOT STOP when I realized that I was being abused all along and my dad's relapse and ALL of this BS family drama. I just need to keep going and writing b/c I have always loved writing and movies from the moment I was a child. I guess it is true that sometimes in life, even the ones closest can hurt you and sometimes purposely too.




I just never want to give up on my dreams and write the stories that I want to write and not care so much on what others will think. Because I need to make myself content and not others or I will be miserable and do not want that.