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Sigh (just more thoughts)

Posted by writer2010 , 04 January 2013 · 17 views

It is weird that I sometimes still google the definition of sexual abuse and came across one that said older sibling with younger sibling and one who dominates control, etc. and that made me realize more that I was abused. Maybe, I almost want to find out that I was NOT and that I am daydreaming or something. I still wonder too how he and my dad are able to "get up" every day and seem to feel all innocent and something.

Last week-around Christmas-my mom made it clear that they have told her (assuming more than once) that it is ME who has issues or something. All I tell my mom is that I am only telling her what I saw, heard and had done to me and that I am not trying to prove anything because truth does come out. Sometimes, I think wow how dramatic lol but still, I TRY to see-what someone once told me-the "humor" in their actions. I actually feel-hoping I am not lying-sympathy for them like how sad, you know what you did and, yet, you STILL will carry that whole I am not at fault.

Plus, a while back, my aunt and cousin told me that because I had confronted my brother that he is scared of me shitless. I kind of shrugged it off and actually felt mad when they said that; but what got my attention more was when my uncle said that between you and me, your brother is scared of you. This uncles too is one of the MOST mellow men out there and he always tries to keep neutral. I suppose what did it for him was when my dad tried to attack him after my uncle defended his wife and step-daughter, whom my dad was calling nasty names.

I just feel embarrassed and yes betrayed at TIMES. I say things that I should not say; but I know that not EVERYONE in my family is like this.

To be honest too-not saying this because he abused me-but I have always thought that something was wrong with my brother. I mean especially too since he makes weird little "noises" like he mumbles to himself and in PUBLIC TOO. He did this when he was done here for Christmas after coming back from families house. And all I could do was stare like WTF since my mom and her fiance were in the room. I told my mom this before--yes out of anger too--and yet, she just seems to shrug it off or not "hear" it.

I know I am not 100% responsible b/c my aunt and cousin, who know about the abuse from brother, think that he was possibly molested/raped or something as a child. My parents used to have a lot of parties at the house when they were married; but the thing is that we were always sent over to the neighbors. Now, I did get mad when my aunt and cousin said this because these are the people whom my dad SHIT TALKS FOR YEARS and even got others to believe him. I truly do not want to believe that he was--I even sometimes think if my dad did something to him and I know that it is wrong to assume something but I sometimes go through a list. I even "accused" my babysitter--in head--who has children of her own and has always been religious. She was also the first person who found out what kind of atmosphere I was around whenever I went over to dad's house (his friends) whom all drank in front of kids.

I have said too to my mom--out of anger too--that my dad needs rehab and brother needs rehab and hospital care. Sounds messed up but I do-or at least try-to pray that these people get the help they need. But it is sad too because even a pastor had told me that not EVERYONE will confess their sins and in other words be reborn again. It is almost like I need to fully "accept" that I may NEVER have a dad again. I think after what had happened with my brother --- that terminated out relationship and trust.

April 2014

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