Pandora's Aquarium: He stayed two nights here - Pandora's Aquarium

So, been knocking on wood whenever I say this but feel as though that in a "way" my nerves/stress/worries has gradually "diminished" mainly due to school be done; but I still get the jitters or whatever. Anyway, Christmas day was the "first" day I was actually out of the house since last Monday--although, I had tried to go out this past Sunday but I got anxiety a bit bad (clammy palms and feeling as though I might faint). Christmas was the usual--glad I saw certain faces; and like many of you HE was of course there. I always tend to feel a bit "guilty" and whatnot since he gets dropped off at our mom's house, where I still live, for the holidays. It has just been weird. I feel as though that my anxiety kicked up a notch prior to the days of Christmas. As soon as I had finished classes (12/19/12) I was immediately floored with that dread of seeing him AGAIN. I know it is as simple to drive off and leave--choosing not to be in the same room as him--but yet I want to see family who I see every so often since they live far. So, like Thanksgiving, I only get in the same vehicle as him because I am going to see and spend time with FAMILY and not HIM.



Anyway, he got dropped off late Christmas Eve and after my mother, who has been seeing me with anxiety and unable to tell her flat out that he had sexually abused me, she nonchalantly tells me, "Your brother is on his way here so don't get all freaked out." I am obviously a bit pissed still but lately--especially with last Sunday's episode of trying to get out of the house--I have been "speaking my mind." Anyway, as soon as he showed up, I think I was in my bedroom--reading--to keep my anxiety from shooting up. He went into his bedroom--like he always did when he used to live here--and to be honest, I "walk" around more when he is here. After Thanksgiving, I kept telling myself why I should be in fear of him and lock myself up in my bedroom because this is where I LIVE and he no longer does. Yet, it seems like doing this almost "back fires"--my mother made it clear last night after he had left.


Anyway, the first night he had stayed here was because of Christmas being the next day and after Christmas and whatnot--coming back home--and was waiting for him to get picked up by my "wonderful" father. Long story short--my mom's fiance, whom my dad had attacked years ago and tried to "brainwash" my brother and I that my mom's new love was an a**hole in other words all turned out to be lies. My dad, who does seem unstable ever since he came charging at me at the front door of the my mother's house, where he is not welcomed, has always tried to make my mother's life a living--forgive me for saying--hell. I guess--by the way she has been acting--my mom set her foot down with him. This is good but what truly hurts me is that I WISH my dad was the only person who has hurt me. So, in other words, reason why I am unable to tell her flat out that I was sexually abused because that is her son. Especially too since she made a comment on Christmas Eve--somewhere around the lines--"Oh so what? You're just going to tell me on Christmas morning as a surprise."



I am still afraid because of all of this family drama and pointing the finger and so many comments said and things done over the years, it just seems--as pathetic as it sounds--tough. Especially since too last night was the first time that my mother had left me and HIM ALONE in the house. She had plans and I was--at first--beating around the bush until I asked when HE was LEAVING. And my mother's response was, "Tonight" and eventually she said to me--after I said that I did NOT want to be left alone with him in the same house--"Well, you guys ignore each other anyway so it won't make a difference." Now, I was seeing this "opportunity" to confront my brother just WHY HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME and paced around my bedroom--he was locked up in his room--thinking how to approach the situation. But, ultimately, I could hear him talking on the phone--assuming it was our father--and he I was so heated with my mom and just these people, that I started writing down poems. Anyway, my brother left about a good hour or so after our mother had left and this time, I do not think that our father had picked him up. So, in other words, he left as soon as he can.




I try not to stress/worry/freak out--ONCE AGAIN--but this seems to "never" work. I hate to say but CERTAIN family members are CRAZY and LUNATIC--including myself. I tend to fin myself talking to myself--thinking aloud--and this makes me sometimes laugh. I just do not know what to exactly do to keep myself from getting so stressed/worried/anxious, etc. because I keep telling myself--at least try to--that I am alive for a reason. And that I need to start living my life--not like party of whatever--but focus on ME and ME ONLY. I am probably suffering Post-trauma stress--especially since my mother will not just ASK if I was raped/assaulted/molested/abused.




I have recalled a memory a few minutes ago--this was not the first time--when my mother had caught my brother, who had his shirt off since I told him to take off his shirt, and me in the downstairs closet. I was clothed--at least that is what I remember--and as much as this disgusts me, I had just pecked my brother and moments after, my mother slid open the door. I remember what she had said--once again, somewhere around the lines--"What are you guys doing?" And she sounded terrified. All I said was "We are just playing" and I think my brother stayed silent. Anyway, I do not remember what exactly had happened after that part; but later--the same day--I want to say around lunch time, I remember seeing my dad--parents were married at the time, already having problems--walk in as my mom, me and my brother were watching TV but sitting on different furniture from each other. I remember my dad looked a bit mad or annoyed with my mom--most likely because he hated dealing with her since it cut into his drinking time--and my mom told him, "I found them in the closet and [your son] had his shirt off." All I remember is that this seemed to "wake up" my dad and I think he looked at me brother, whom I am not sure what he had said, and when he looked at me I felt scared and responded, "He was hitting me." I lied to him. Then, I remember my father looking at my brother--I think a bit more pissed like my mother--and they asked him if he was hitting me and most likely, my brother said no. Then, I do not remember what had happened. It is a blur.




I guess I just wanted to say that I have short little memories/flashbacks of times of my mother sensing or even seeing us two--although, we were always clothed--and never did anything about it. I guess it is true that parents will only see until a limit, otherwise, they have to take care of the problem if they "see it."




Also, before I end this post, I have to describe the details of "it" maybe in order to make myself feel "better" or to make sure that I am not going crazy. I have always known that I was not a virgin and have always known that it had happened with my brother. But, the memories/flashbacks kicked up a notch after I had got drunk--the third time drinking in my life--and blabbed about my mom's infidelity on her fiance and my dad's rehab stay. I was crying my eyes out and I remember my cousins, who were with us including my best friend at the time, got scared but had all--except one cousin who did not drink or smoke at the time--went off to go get F'D up themselves. Now, I did confront everyone about this night--my cousins actually told me to shut up and stop apologizing since everyone gets drunk at one point in their life. My brother, however, whom my dad has always said to us to "look" after each other made comments at me like "You are just like dad," etc. and looked at me as though I was whoring around or something that night. I remember the next day him and I went to my grandpa's house, where my dad lived for X amount of days until he started drinking again, and I was crying because my brother made me feel like a piece of shit because I got so drunk. And guess what, he was ALSO drinking and smoking and EVEN OFFERED ME to smoke weed to shut me up from crying the prior night. Eventually, after freaking out that my dad was going to find out that his little girl got shitfaced, etc. I went into my cousin's room and told her what had happened. All she said was, "Oh. Okay. Well you did not know your limit so now you know." Then, I told her about the way my brother was acting and I think right on cue, he came in and acted all "disgusted" with me and basically my cousin told him that he has no right to JUDGE if he was also F'D up.



Fast forward a few weeks later--dad's relapse and me writing him a letter to confront him that I would not put up with that b.s. and him writing an angry drunk letter--and those flashbacks of "it" evolved my mind, especially when I started seeing that my brother was "selling" out our father for being drunk. When, in all reality, my brother is just as GUILTY because he would either drink with my dad--free booze--and even tried to steal liquor from my dad's roommate and from what I have heard my grandpa, who is no longer living--rest his soul. Then, I realized that why I was no longer a virgin and wanted nothing to do with my brother. But, I did not actually call him out on the abused until a month or two later--or maybe even longer time--and at first he acted like he did not know what I was talking about. But, ultimately, I kept throwing it in his face and was calling myself EVERYTHING there is like "I know I am a screw up/I have faults, etc. but you took advantage of me and I was just a kid," and he stood up and screamed "That was the past!" Now, since then, he acts like he does not want to talk to me which I find funny because like my dad, when I called them on their stuff, all they responded was how I do not deserve this/that (but my dad's words were a bit more hurtful because he started accusing his family--the ones he lived with after detox--of brainwashing me and all this b.s. and that he disowned me and whatnot).




I know this post is all over the place but need to start getting more into details: these flashbacks/memories of it happening do make me upset/angry,etc. because of it had HAPPENED. Anyway, the very first memories I began to have--after my drunk crying at friend's--were of me as a child (8-11) and while he and I were doing it, I remember being a bit scared/nervous and saying to him that I did not want to get pregnant because that is how babies are made. My brother said to me--somewhere around the lines--"Oh you can't. We have the same blood type." I was still worried and then he told me, "I have a friend, who is older than you and I, and he always sleeps with his sister without a condom and she never gets pregnant." Then, I suppose, I was convinced that what we were doing was "normal."



Other memories of it have been--and this is where I feel at fault--of me initiating for it to happen and even, sometimes, my brother saying no. And I beg. And then, he would participate. I have engaged in it while occurred and even having--what I realized as I got older--orgasms as it happened. We did everything and by me telling my cousin that he and I did EVERYTHING, she got the point. and makes me sick to admit and have cried and cried over it; but a pastor had even told me that it is my brother's "fault" still. I just have a hard time believing it. Also, I have a memory of my brother calling me into his room to show me a website, both as children, or celebrities naked or topless. I remember we looked at a few pages I think and I remember he said that one celebrity was topless and me being curious I said to show me. Another memory is of us talking in his room and I think I went in there to wake him up because it was getting late and he said that he had a dream the previous night. I asked what about. Then, he said that in his dream he was having sex with some chick but he did not know who it was since he could not see her face. Then, I must have either said something like asking about it or stayed silent. Then, he made a comment--that until this day makes me think there is your proof. You were sexually abused--to me that this girl whom he was having sex with in the dream looked like me. All I remember was when he said that he looked at me with disgust or something and I remember I felt DIRTY and GUILTY.




Just hate feeling at fault and like these two will NEVER GO AWAY. I am trying and wanting to forgive them but I can NOT FORGET IT. Especially my brother. I tell my mom this but she seems to want to ignore it which is why she left last night and came home and even whispered to me, "Is your brother still here?" And after I say no, she says that she is relieved since she cannot be under the same roof as us like I am at "fault."



Need to get off of chest: but my mother makes me want to SCREAM and PUNCH SOMETHING. I try my best--or at least hope so--not to get negative and these angry and hatred thoughts for all of these THREE and certain relatives but jeez sometimes I just want to leave for good. Getaway. I feel as though--which scares me--that I will not want to ever return once I have the ability to pay for all of my supplements.