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I guess because she does not "know" --clearly seems to prove a lot of the times that she will never open her goddamn eyes or flat out ask--about the abuse, I feel as though that I need to "prove" to her that just because he is her son and yes, those two are considered to be my father and brother, they have disrespected me for YEARS! I am just tired of this b.s. Seriously, I love my mom but sometimes I just want to scream at her because she plays that whole everything is fine and ignores it. I mean when those two come around, father just drops off my brother and leaves--he even came up to the front door while my mom's boyfriend was here, someone he had jumped a few years back.
I even told a pastor too that I am just too tired of the fights and arguing. And what shocked me too was the fact that he told me that sometimes it is best to "avoid" these people, assuming that it is better not to fight. I just feel betrayed and just keep telling myself that there are good people and kind-hearted individuals in the world.
I try to admit to my faults. I am no saint. I have self-inflicted, cursed, used God's name in vain and have not attended church for a bit over than two years. I just do not want to waste my time and talk to that "wall" everytime my mother pulls that whole card on making me feel like I am just exaggerating or lying even.
I know that I will possibly see why this had all happened; but I just fear that I will have a lonely road. I just want to be "content" and be surrounded by people who actually will listen and love me for who I am--especially my faults. I just feel like whenever people vent--and about in my opinion stupid stuff--I listen. But times when I needed someone to listen--although yes, there were moments when people did--I get judged.
Just need to say this but f*** those who act like that even one's household does not have abuse because if anything, ABUSE occurs more often amongst close family members--blood or not--and it hurts so much as time goes on.