Weird (need to know that I am not going crazy)
Anyway, I have been having a lot of worries and three times, anxiety "attacks" or at least felt like it while I was at school. I do not know if it is because of finals and holiday (asses tend to come around these times of years) so just wanting to get my career going. Anyway, I broke down Saturday (or perhaps even forced myself to) after my mom called him down to the house to "fix" our cable and internet. Confronted her that why is she even calling him and she threw in my face that this is her house, which I get so did not argue there, and then she eventually said, "just go in your room like you always do." But, what REALLY DID IT was when I brought up my dad, tying him in with the other dipshit, and how he is unstable and the time he came charging (at least that is what it appeared like) to the front door a few months ago at me. But, luckily I closed the door in his face.
Well, I guess I am just wondering why I am not "screaming," etc. but in all honestly, I am just finding it pointless more and more that I should not have to "prove" that those two abused me. Mentally, emotionally and sexually by that dipshit. I know that I need to vent because that is where all the breakdowns are coming from. Also, my mom told too on Saturday, after bringing up my dad, that she did not care. So, that is what made me cry.
I just feel frustrated which leads to the blues, anger and confusion and not knowing who to trust anymore. I mean, my mom is not a bad person and God do we have our "typical" arguments (she even threw a brush at me 2-3 times and gave me fingernail marks by "accident" in her words but I suppose I can forgive her since those two have outdone her)
Anyway, I KNOW that he will always be done at the family/holiday events and I should not feel like I must leave because of him and that other dipshit. Anyway, I just tell myself that I am going to see my family, the ones who do care about me, and not waste my breath and time with idiots. (Also too, he stuck up for my dad when I asked who had brought the beer on Thanksgiving since a.)the box already looked open when he got here and b.)those two always went drinking) So, yeah, I guess I pointed that out because I wanted HIM to be damn sure that I remember and that he does too.
Plus too, not that it is a big deal, but after he left and it was just me, my mom and her boyfriend, her boyfriend made a comment how so and so drank so much tonight-including HIM. So, I guess hearing this, know that it sounds f'd up, that a.)he drinks b.)I'm not going crazy c.)he is following my dad's steps, I feel relieved.
Anyway, I am trying (at least I hope) that my prayers are coming out as real and honest and maybe, this is God who is helping me more than I think with this. After all, when I think I am going crazy like "did I imagine this," "I'm I brainwashed like they have always said," two church members said that my dad was abusive and so was my brother without telling them EVERYTHING.
A question I have: How do you guys deal with this? I know it is a broad one, but just so I snap out of these negative and hateful thoughts towards others and myself. This will sound weird but I keep carrying in my head lately that I do not have the "time" to waste on stupid and stupid people; but yet again, I always here that one cannot do this if they live somewhere where they do not feel "safe" or at "peace."
I do somewhat hate it here, mainly because I just want to break away from family and others (not everyone, but I suppose those whom I feel betrayed by)
Just know that what had happened, happened and I feel ashamed/disgusted/angry/at fault, etc.