Overheard my mother's phone conversation since a.) she was outdoors and b.) she was facing the other way, trying to be "quiet." I knew this was going to happen but trying my best not to let low lifes get the best of me. I am going to see relatives who actually love me for who I am, even though I am royally screwed up but yet again, who does not have issues? People like my mother who prefer to wear that "horse's eyepatch" to the truth, knowing that one of their children has been emotionally, mentally and sexually abused, is going to have to stop living in b.s. land. I am, however, going to stand my ground if it comes to that today and the other holidays. Other than that, I just pray that one day I will decide and not feel obligated who I spend the holidays with. Honestly, do not take this as a negativity thing from me, but I feel as though that the holidays suck. People act fake and like everything is okay which is fine since I still do that; but I feel like this happen due to people actually being scared and anxious about being real and sticking to their rights-including me. I am guilty of worrying soo much that my stomach has been a bit funny since yesterday but praying helps soothe me a bit. Learning how to pray for those who have abused me and continue to act like I am the "mental" one and etc. since a pastor once told me that praying for those who have purposely done others wrong need to learn how to forgive themselves for the actions they have done. I guess I just hate the fact that my mother makes it seem like I am lying and exaggerating about things when I have said to her that her ex-husband, my father, and son have abused me for years and that I am no longer dealing with them. She once said to me that it is my "lose" but in reality, it is hers as well as those two "men's" lose because one of these days, I know that I will no longer care how my emotions will affect others because this is what has make me a pushover and yes, "miserable," since I do not allow myself to cry but rather breakdown.
I just want to focus on my goals in life and continue to chase them.