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Anyway long story short with those two "lovely" men, they always used to get pissed when I would stand up for myself; so, now that I do NOT want ANYTHING to do with them, they go around or used to and say stupid things like she is brainwashed, mental, etc. which is funny since I told them both flat out-to my brother's face and to my dad in writing-that it is funny how when I was miserable and not sticking up for myself, they were so happy but when I stand guard, then I am the b***h.
Anyway, yesterday I found out that my aunt, mom's older sister, might have breast cancer and seeing my mother cry yesterday since my aunt is not only still young but over the fact that her parents passed from cancer so it really scared me when I saw her break down; but also, I felt so guilty when my mom was telling me how my aunt was keeping doctor's appointment a secret from the family :[
I hate seeing my mom upset but at the same time, it just seems-hope I am not coming off as selfish or hateful-unfair how when my mom sees me crying, she thinks I am overreacting and just being a drama queen when my dad and brother come down so my brother can pick up his stuff.
Anyway, my concern as of Saturday is the fact that both my brother and dad stopped by when my mother was not home which has not happened for quite some time. The last time I saw my dad, he sped off as soon as I pulled up. I laughed since I was thinking "seriously, what I am going to do-I do NOT want anything to do with you," but then broke down since he made me feel like this monster and I am asking myself "for not speaking to you because I was honest in telling you that some of you're writing sounded as though you were drinking." So, my worry is that what if they show up again and again when my mom is not around. I am thinking to myself not to stress over it since that will do no good but the last time that my dad and brother were at my moms when it was just us, my dad almost came into the house, looking like he was going to attack me. I do not mean to complain, but I NEVER feel safe at my mom's and whenever I say to her that those two men who were supposed to protect me were the ones who were always hurting me. Of course, she knows that it is true; but lately, it seems like she is actually protecting them.
I just do not want any drama because this past year has been pretty rough-especially when my grandpa died, dad's dad, and the day of his death, my dad took his anger out on me for his sister, niece, and basically his side of the family. So, when I wrote back to him, saying to take his anger out on them and NOT ME, he writes back that I am no longer his daughter, which have heard many times before,as well as told me not to come to him near him at the funeral. I did not respond back and that is when I blocked his and my brother's number in my phone and this ultimately lead to him coming to my mother's house, looking like he was going to attack me, a week later.
It is just so emotionally and mentally draining and it scares me that I WILL turn out like him or worse since my dad used to speak so horribly a lot of times about his own dad and in the end, my dad TURNED OUT WORSE. I have thought about a restraining order since he came towards the house like that with such rage but I did not even call the cops because the first thing I thought was "I am sick of drama." I actually phoned the church and broke down a bit when I just got to the secretary, whom I told almost everyone thing to with the exception of my brother, and the first thing he asked was "why is your dad still abusing you?"
I just wanted to, once again, focus on me and just not let these people ruin me-especially with my aunt's possibility of having cancer which is making me realize that there are others who are going through a much TOUGHER time.
I KNOW that my mother will never accept the truth over what had happened between my brother and I since she even sticks up for my dad when it comes to him being an alcoholic. Plus, I keep thinking if I know that I am not lying because this stuff DID happen, then I should not feel as though I need to prove anything. The truth comes out in the end. It is weird too since my dad first went around-bragging in fact-how he was sober for over a year which was a lie since he had drunk dial me and his roommate confirmed with me. I want to tell my mom about her possibly telling my dad and even brother to NOT come down when I am just hear because I was shaking the last time and even locked my door. Also, my dad had a dog with him and from what it seemed to ME, it looked as if he would let that dog attack me if I even came in his sight. But with everything going on, I keep silent once again.
Please pray that my aunt is ok because I just do not like to see my mother in pain and makes me sad to see others upset.