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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!
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Sexual abuse, molested, sexually assaulted, and rape. Once again, I get all self-doubting that "it" had ever happened; but when I think of certain things, I know that I am not losing my mind because "it" did happen. Anyway, I guess when I get stressed/under pressure I once again literally reflect on everything and 99.9% of it is family-excuse me for saying-bowl shit. I just feel ever since I grew up, I keep hearing the same old on whose an addict, liar, abuser, etc., and now that I am 20, I am just wanting to get away from everyone. I understand that it is "healthy" for everyone to break away from loved ones especially with family but I feel as though I truly need it. Plus, I had recalled a memory of my brother, "abuser," who once told me about his sex dream and I was about 8-12 years old at the time. All I remember is that I went into his bedroom because I think he called me in or something and I was listening to him as he described his sex dream and at the end, he told me that the girl he was having intercourse with looked like me. I was literally thinking about it a second ago and I am just all cringing at the memory because I am thinking what the f**k is wrong with this prick! I remember when he had first told me this, I was the one who felt dirty and ashamed because of his tone when he said "she looked like you."
I am just getting angry because I keep wondering why I had to go through this and still am and why a lot of people-including my mother-act like this stuff is exaggerated or victims of abuse are lying. She even told me last week, after abuser showed up to pick up mail, that is one was abusive then they should be in jail and to not-quoting her, "don't use such a strong word" and even told me that I was exaggerating when last week she finally told me that my "former" alcoholic father is "bipolar." Seriously, hate to say this at times, but this family can go to hell or something because honestly I just feel so used by them and just taken advantage of that I know it will always hurt.
I am just getting angry because I keep wondering why I had to go through this and still am and why a lot of people-including my mother-act like this stuff is exaggerated or victims of abuse are lying. She even told me last week, after abuser showed up to pick up mail, that is one was abusive then they should be in jail and to not-quoting her, "don't use such a strong word" and even told me that I was exaggerating when last week she finally told me that my "former" alcoholic father is "bipolar." Seriously, hate to say this at times, but this family can go to hell or something because honestly I just feel so used by them and just taken advantage of that I know it will always hurt.
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I can relate to much of what you wrote. I too have times where I almost doubt myself, or think I'm losing my mind because that would be easier to than to accept the reality of being abused, but like you I also know it WAS real. It's frustrating that most of my family (except one of my sisters who was also molested by our uncle like I was) choose to support my uncle and say that I must be mistaken. As if it were possible to be mistaken about being raped by a grown man when I was just a child... Anyway, my family has let me down just it sounds yours has let you down. I'm sorry that you are going through this, it's very unfair and no one deserves it. Just stay strong, and don't let your brother or anyone else drag you down. I hope things get better for you soon.
Irishleo, on 13 August 2012 - 09:20 PM, said:
Hi Irishleo I am so sorry that you an your sister went through that. I guess the self-doubting does come when I recall more memories even if it is something he said to me and I get all cringy. It is a lot easier to want to shove all of this under the carpet and ignore ignore :/