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So, yet again today, I get another envelope from a lawyers office. When my grandfather had passed away in April, my dad's father, things seemed to get worse. A week after my grandpa died, my father came to the door of my mom's house telling me to shut up (too long to explain) and mainly it is due to him taking his anger for his sister and niece, my aunt and cousin, on me because they are currently (and who knows for how long) are in another "battle" on who keeps my grandfather's house. I do not know if this is "legal" to speak about but just don't have anyone else to "talk to" and it has been driving me nuts a lot lately. Anyway, my aunt, cousin, and uncle (dad's sister, niece, and brother-n-law) had been living with my grandpa for about 7-10 years in HIS and my GRANDMA'S (their mom and my grandma) taking care of him. Anyway, when my dad first had relapse (his second, but the first time that I was "there" to remember) he lived with his sister, niece, and brother-n-law at grandpa's house since his roommate (where I used to live) was on the verge of supposedly kicking him out. Long story short, my dad had relapse about a month or less into his "sober" and I started noticing the signs of him drinking again such as him no longer drinking cups and cups of coffee and even b****ing about his sister (my aunt) bugging him to go to AA every day. What really set me off a bit too was when he and my sibling (who took advantage of me growing up) tried to ditch me at Universal City when we were "hanging out."
Long story short, when my dad had relapse (and after I got really drunk one night at a friends and bawled my eyes out-literally the entire time-and "confessed" everything out about what was really going on) and I needed my family, such as my mom and brother, I realized that I was not only going to "loose it" but I remembered clearly that it made sense why my brother was not "there for me" because he and had never been. That was when I recalled more of the sexual "abuse" amongst us when I was about 6 and ended sometime in middle school or beginning of high school. Anyway, the whole lawyer thing is supposedly to "save" the family from getting thrown in jail, etc., and to inform us (grandkids and children of my grandpa) that if they feel they have an entitle to any inherientance of his, they can attend a court hearing, etc. I just keep saying supposedly since my father and even my mother a lot of times, who knows how my father is but chooses not to stick up for me, accuse me of being brainwashed and etc. by my aunt, cousin, and whoever else my father is related to. In all reality, I know that I am not brainwashed because I only make "decisions, etc." on what I had seen or heard myself.
Just stressed and frustrated since I know that part of the reason my father and I are not speaking is because of my sibling (so-called) who started living with my dad when my mom could not "put up with him." It makes me sad because I want to tell my parents what really happened growing up, but if I am being accused of being this and that (even having withdrawals of self-injury not too long ago when my mom called me selfish, etc.) and even dropped "hints" to my mom and even telling her when my dad's relapse first happened that my brother abused me in every way possible (she even said once that she knew as well as told me that she knows there is stuff that had happened to me but if I am not ready to tell, then I don't have to yet) I am still not listened.
I know a lot of you are going through something similar or far worse and I apologize for posting a long rant. For those of you who stuck around to read this post, thank you because I understand that it can be hard to read another's rant when you have things to take care of for yourself.
Feel a bit better to post this but I just keep praying, try to, that someday that I will understand why certain things had happened and that I would NEVER want someone who I truly love to EVER go through what I had or am still.
I know that this is making me stronger, I can feel it, but I am just so terrified and upset on what will happen when I am blunt about all of this. It feels like I am almost preparing myself to "loose" both of my parents and possibly some relatives over this since it feels like I am already.
Long story short, when my dad had relapse (and after I got really drunk one night at a friends and bawled my eyes out-literally the entire time-and "confessed" everything out about what was really going on) and I needed my family, such as my mom and brother, I realized that I was not only going to "loose it" but I remembered clearly that it made sense why my brother was not "there for me" because he and had never been. That was when I recalled more of the sexual "abuse" amongst us when I was about 6 and ended sometime in middle school or beginning of high school. Anyway, the whole lawyer thing is supposedly to "save" the family from getting thrown in jail, etc., and to inform us (grandkids and children of my grandpa) that if they feel they have an entitle to any inherientance of his, they can attend a court hearing, etc. I just keep saying supposedly since my father and even my mother a lot of times, who knows how my father is but chooses not to stick up for me, accuse me of being brainwashed and etc. by my aunt, cousin, and whoever else my father is related to. In all reality, I know that I am not brainwashed because I only make "decisions, etc." on what I had seen or heard myself.
Just stressed and frustrated since I know that part of the reason my father and I are not speaking is because of my sibling (so-called) who started living with my dad when my mom could not "put up with him." It makes me sad because I want to tell my parents what really happened growing up, but if I am being accused of being this and that (even having withdrawals of self-injury not too long ago when my mom called me selfish, etc.) and even dropped "hints" to my mom and even telling her when my dad's relapse first happened that my brother abused me in every way possible (she even said once that she knew as well as told me that she knows there is stuff that had happened to me but if I am not ready to tell, then I don't have to yet) I am still not listened.
I know a lot of you are going through something similar or far worse and I apologize for posting a long rant. For those of you who stuck around to read this post, thank you because I understand that it can be hard to read another's rant when you have things to take care of for yourself.
Feel a bit better to post this but I just keep praying, try to, that someday that I will understand why certain things had happened and that I would NEVER want someone who I truly love to EVER go through what I had or am still.
I know that this is making me stronger, I can feel it, but I am just so terrified and upset on what will happen when I am blunt about all of this. It feels like I am almost preparing myself to "loose" both of my parents and possibly some relatives over this since it feels like I am already.
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