Pandora's Aquarium: Had and still am having a tough night - Pandora's Aquarium

I was feeling stressed anyway today, keeping busy all day, but that was until I woke up from my afternoon nap and saw that my mother was getting ready to see him. I wish I could kid myself and say that I do not care on how she has been gone with him for the past 5-7 hours but it kills me on the inside. I want to scream but only a few tears. I keep replying the possible answers on what everyone's reaction will be when I open my mouth. I find family as a joke sometimes because all it ever seems like I have been hearing from the moment I was 8 was who is the bad parents, who is a drunk, an addict, a whore, or a slut. I always get these thoughts of taking my important values and just taking off and never coming back. I usually see it done in the movies or hear it in real life since I almost want people to see that the smiley face I put on is all bowl shit. That, I am not ok and although I appreciate a lot that certain individuals have done for me, I still feel this need to start fresh. Call it selfish, but being honest.



Had to add that the a***ole came back! From the looks of it, he is staying the night. I closed my door and locked it like usual because "this" is supposed to be swept under the rug like all the other damn times. I know this is a sign that I may have to tell my mother sooner than I would like. I am just praying that if I do, I do it for me and not to seek revenge or be spiteful. Wish me luck because there is a lot going on in the family and it upsets and makes me sick. I just find it "funny" on how my so-called big brother cannot be in the same room as me but has to flee or lock himself in his room. I guess I must be that scary, 5'3 and 120-130 ILBS and him, he has at least 40 pounds more than me.