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I feel a bit better for getting this out even if it is just words because I have always felt that shame and just guilt. Now that I think about it, I know I have to try to find a support group and I am Christian so I will have to go to a nearby church and speak to a pastor face to face instead of over the phone.
I do feel as though I have somewhat forgiven him because I have been wanting not to hate him or my father who was emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive to me growing up due to his alcohol addiction. It makes me sad because part of the reason why my dad an I do not speak is mainly due to my sibling. I feel like no matter how many times I had spoke, I just get called a "liar," "brainwashed," "selfish," "you're just like your father," and even being accused of being associated with so-called "devil worshipers." It is "funny" because when I think about it, the two men who had abused me for years and point the fingers at me for their actions, are now living together-trying to prove something to the world.
I just hope that if I ever have children, I will listen to them and not shrug it off or roll my eyes, thinking they are lying or over-exaggerating. I think if anyone has the most f***ed up lives are children and teenagers because it seems as though they see or have things done to them that should have never happened. I will rise from this and hope that I can pray more for abusive individuals because if anything they need to forgive themselves for their acts.