Pandora's Aquarium: I always think to myself... - Pandora's Aquarium

...why I am so scared to tell? After reading a blog about on how courageous a survivor was in telling their loved ones on what had happened and who did it, I asked myself why I had not said those words flat out. I have dropped many hints before and I even looked over the "what is rap," "what is sexual assault," and "what is sexual abuse" the other day because I still feel guilt that I could have stopped it, but did not. When I had first came out about this to my cousin, I kept telling her that this was not forced on me, meaning that I was not raped. The first thing my cousin told me was that it does not matter if one was forced down or even engaged and participated in the act because if one is too little to know any better, then it is not their fault. It is the abusers or in my case, my sibling who is 3 years older.

I feel a bit better for getting this out even if it is just words because I have always felt that shame and just guilt. Now that I think about it, I know I have to try to find a support group and I am Christian so I will have to go to a nearby church and speak to a pastor face to face instead of over the phone.


I do feel as though I have somewhat forgiven him because I have been wanting not to hate him or my father who was emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive to me growing up due to his alcohol addiction. It makes me sad because part of the reason why my dad an I do not speak is mainly due to my sibling. I feel like no matter how many times I had spoke, I just get called a "liar," "brainwashed," "selfish," "you're just like your father," and even being accused of being associated with so-called "devil worshipers." It is "funny" because when I think about it, the two men who had abused me for years and point the fingers at me for their actions, are now living together-trying to prove something to the world.

I just hope that if I ever have children, I will listen to them and not shrug it off or roll my eyes, thinking they are lying or over-exaggerating. I think if anyone has the most f***ed up lives are children and teenagers because it seems as though they see or have things done to them that should have never happened. I will rise from this and hope that I can pray more for abusive individuals because if anything they need to forgive themselves for their acts.