Pandora's Aquarium: Just need to vent, sorry... - Pandora's Aquarium

So, just a few minutes ago, I was recalling flashbacks. I feel weird and "dirty" sometimes because they come at the most random and inappropriate times especially if I am dressing and about to shower. I was feeling a bit worse a few minutes ago but now I guess I am "ok." I somewhat cried it out and was thinking that was what needed to be done to feel "better." I don't know, sometimes I feel like I am bipolar or something because one second I am "happy" and then suddenly I feel like crying. It makes me sad how I wasted my time on trying to get my mother to "accept" or at least "open her eyes" and flat out ask me if I was taken advantage of. My father is an alcoholic, and I know by me putting this it will be obvious who it is, and my abuser is living with him. I do not speak to my father mainly due to his drinking and I "put my foot down" once I had graduated high school, 18, and then my abuser the same summer. When my grandpa passed, my dad's father, and I attended the funeral, my dad ignored me like I was a big piece of s**t. Long story short, I speak to my dad's older sister, niece, and his brother-n-law and because my father had lived with them when he had went through detox, he claims to everyone-including my mother-that I was brainwashed not to speak to him or my abuser. So, about a week after my grandpa's funeral, I came home from school and I saw my the door opened. My dad was parked in front of me, I was unaware, while my abuser was picking up his mail. Another long story short, I went into the house because I was still very sick from all the stress with my grandpa's death and because the front door was open, I told my abuser to pick up his mail in the mailbox next time and he was all "scared." Anyway, while he walked out, I said that I wanted my stuff back from the house where my dad lives and my abuser stopped and my dad could see through the front door and he came towards the front door, telling my to shut up. I closed the door in his face just as my abuser walked out. I cried for 30 min before I called the church down the street. I almost called the cops because I wanted to report them, but I just kept thinking that I did not want to start drama. The secretary at the church said a prayer for me and I only mentioned to him about my father's drinking and how he is supposedly sober but that he is still acting like he does when he was drinking. The secretary at the church even asked me why my father was still abusing me and I could not tell you how relieved I was because a stranger had told me this.

I guess I feel "bad myself" and "sorry for myself" because I sometimes tend to think that I witnessed and saw too many cops growing up. I get mad because I wondered why this has or still is going on. It just makes me upset how much the holidays will "suck" due to my abuser being around and everyone acting like nothing had ever happened and that I am just being dramatic. I know we are not supposed to probably post this, but I cut myself when I was about 13-14 due to my dad's drinking and it started again in January because whenever my abuser or my dad is brought up, my mom yells at me like I am at fault. I just get jealous too of even the girls I know who can talk about boys boys boys and speak freely of sex without being ashamed or feeling "dirty." Ever time I get asked if I am a virgin, my heart drops and I always swallow that bitter pill of shame and say "yes" even though I am well aware that I had not been since I was about 6 years old. I apologize for the super long rant and the debbie downer stuff, but I always think that the only way people will listen or "open their eyes" is if I not only write about it but when I am able to be on my own like having my own home and being able to financially to support myself.