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I guess I feel "bad myself" and "sorry for myself" because I sometimes tend to think that I witnessed and saw too many cops growing up. I get mad because I wondered why this has or still is going on. It just makes me upset how much the holidays will "suck" due to my abuser being around and everyone acting like nothing had ever happened and that I am just being dramatic. I know we are not supposed to probably post this, but I cut myself when I was about 13-14 due to my dad's drinking and it started again in January because whenever my abuser or my dad is brought up, my mom yells at me like I am at fault. I just get jealous too of even the girls I know who can talk about boys boys boys and speak freely of sex without being ashamed or feeling "dirty." Ever time I get asked if I am a virgin, my heart drops and I always swallow that bitter pill of shame and say "yes" even though I am well aware that I had not been since I was about 6 years old. I apologize for the super long rant and the debbie downer stuff, but I always think that the only way people will listen or "open their eyes" is if I not only write about it but when I am able to be on my own like having my own home and being able to financially to support myself.