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Back Again ! EMDR

Posted by survadvo , 24 January 2014 · 141 views

Okay so I haven't been on pandies for a long time. 
I even briefly forgot what it was called. i just new i wanted to come back and visit! 
I forgot about this blog. 
I forgot how much comfort it used to give me. i started to read a few posts and it reminded me what i have achieved and how proud i should be of myself. It also made me sad in places. 
Im going through EMDR therapy now. 
Im a long way on from where i was. I have left an abusive boyfriend, i have more faith in my decisions. i have an powerful and amazing support network. I work full time, i have a stable home and great friends. 
oh an i also feel more crazy then i have been in a long time haha !! 
EMDR therapy oooo what to say. 
IT SUCKS -  i'm going through such grief, anger and reliving the trauma all over again BUT im so glad i'm doing it. 
i feel overwhelmed a lot. i cry a lot, I want to disappear A LOT ...i laid in bed last night just wanting a hug from a man who didnt treat me nicely but i needed that comfort, i needed that someone who comforted me like before. but want to know a secret ? 
im glad i felt it, im glad it hurt, im glad im reliving it. ( even though i was picked up by the police the other night because i completely lost it and nearly became hypothermic sitting outside for hours refusing to go home) what to know why ?
heres why ..... 
- it will always be apart of my life and i cant continue to pretend it didnt happen, thats one of the reasons as to why im in this mess in the first place... because i didnt deal with it. and it shows what a strong young lady i really am. bring it on world.... ive had one of the worst experiences you can throw at me and im still here and im still fighting and striving
- every time i think of the trauma thats my brain reorganising itself. and everytime a bad thought or image or taste or sound or feeling is repeated that me getting better. unlike before flashbacks were dreaded and now i know they arnt happening i can ground myself and i let them come rather than repress them. i know it will make me better. 
- that anger that ive had, its directed at him. every time i deal with this that little bit more i hate him more and i hate myself less. like if you think about it like this .... you know that you didnt do anything wrong. you know that bad people do bad things and they hurt you and its not your fault. you may KNOW that but you cant help that guilt inside you, those what ifs: those feelings of my god im an awful person. well with reliving each event and being able to look back with a wiser knowledge and safety net those feelings start to disappear. i dont know if they will ever be gone completely but they sure as hell was a nice surprise to feel that way in my last session. 
Dont get me wrong i hate the sessions, they hurt so much, sometimes i feel like my world is falling apart i feel "him" near me. I feel down. i feel scared, i feel sad. but it will get better. ive come so far already. this is my last step in the journey and then its down to me to keep on striving to be the best i can. 
I hoping one day it wont be a fight any more, i hope i wont need to strive, that once my brain has organised its memories better the "crazy" part of me will settle. that i wont be picked up by emergency services, reported as a missing person here and there. i mean seriously its embarrassing and even more so when they ask why ??? 
why ??? seriously you dont want to know .... 
short sweet facts usually make them drop the subject quickly. especially when i use the word " THERAPY" it has prevented me going into a hospital by explaining im worse atm as im going through therapy. 
im scared but excited, happy but sad. longing for the end and ready to put as much work in as i need too. 
aim for the near future ? reduce the risk to myself so if i loose it i dont accidentally hurt myself ( dont feel suicidal or anything just disassciate sometimes and by the time i realise what im doing i put myself in danger) i can do it though and it will be okay. 
Forgot how therapeutic a blog can be :) oooo gonna go find my safe place blog now. i still use that now !! the imagry not the blog haha. ive just remembered about it. 

February 2016

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