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i had got angry, i had drunk alcohol, i am on sertraline... i had gone for a walk, my ex came to look for me... it were 3 in the morning... i was listening to music and it made me worse but i couldnt stop listening, i ended up sitting on the top of somewhere high, looking down on the water and sat there untill i saw the sun starting to rise on the horizon, my ex accused me of going to a drug dealers house and told me that he wanted nothing to do with me, yes it was a move i would have taken a few years ago but not anymore, thats when something in my head flipped .... i was having flashbacks, triggered kevin was touching me, kissing me, on top of me... i could feel, taste, smell... i had triggered earlier that evening but it had settled once getting to my safe place... that drug dealer has strong associations to my abuser and soemhow i was there again, i was 15, 16, 17 all at once .... my other half had ignored my texts asking for help... i know he was awake. thats when i thought..... its never going to stop, it hurt so much... this word came into my head .... JUMP.... i moved so i was dangleing over the edge and i was overwhelmed with this feeling it was about to stop, i could see the dark red sun just coming over the horizon.... i could see the water beneath me coming in and going out, it was just me and that place i felt calm, sad but calm i suppose numb .... then i caught the glimpse of someone in the corner of my eye ... just a passer by and reality hit in.... i wanted to hurt myself but i didnt ... its hard to explain , i knew that i had to get help and no one was going to get me that help but me... i rang 999 i asked for the police, told them i needed help as i was going to hurt myself... they couldnt hear me, the wind blowing into the phone... i managed to say coast guard station and the name of my home town.... she said she couldnt hear.... i said okay it doesnt matter, im going now... i heard her tell me not to put the phone down as i ended the call. i sat there .... " okay i tried to ask for help, ive failed ive failed myself." i remember sitting there rocking and slowly shuffleing my bum closer to the edge as slowly i lost hope and as each wave of flashback hit me.... kevin touching me, his breath on my neck, the burning sensation, the alcohol on his breath, my heart thudding....
then i turned around and a paramedic was standing there, "do you need our help ?" ......."yes"
i dont know how i really felt at this point, an element of embarrassment that i would need the emergency services for help as i was that messed up, relief that they found me as realisation had hit in that i was going to hurt myself, anger that i had needed help and couldnt help myself, i felt broken
"do you want to move away from the edge ?" ....shakes head no
"okay do you want to talk to me" ..... shakes head no
he was male, i didnt trust him, i couldnt let him have all the control over that situation till i had sussed out he wasnt a threat... i had control.... i could still jump ... i could still escape...
"i have ptsd" ...."posttraumatic stress disorder.... im triggered and it wont stop"
he sat down next to me on the edge about an arms length away and started talking to me. i dont really remember what he said to me but he spoke about my safe place and said how beautiful it was and he could understand why i would come here... i began to trust him...
i agreed to come away from the edge, i walked up to the ambulance, then i freaked, "im not getting in there with you" .... there were two male paramedics, they had control over this situation... i remember feeling that they could hurt me, i wouldnt be safe, i still had some control, i was still outside and safe, he tried to get me a female paramedic but there wasnt any on shift that were free. i finally agreed to go in the ambulance. i asked him to open the blinds so i could see where i was, it really helped, i was wrapped in blankets but i didnt feel cold... apparently i was... bp 138 over 90... not too bad .... got to the hospital, the paras told them not to send any male doctor or nurse near me, they listened. i feel embarrassed, i was on such a hate mission for men. makes me feel sad. even now. no wonder i cant hold down a relationship with people i love.
earlier that night i had spokent o my other half he was telling me how he wanted to build a future with me, but now, now he knows i was in hospital and i have a suspicion that he thinks i tried to OD as in the past thats what i have tried to do. when i tried to hurt myself in the past he told me that he would never forgive me if i tried to do it again... i really want his support, but he doesnt want to give it, he said to me the other night, i dont ask for support from you and if thats what you want from me then im not your guy... i think he has gone now, i tried talking to him yesterday but he wasnt interested. i know that maybe its for the best but it hurts, it hurts that my mentle illness destroys more parts of my life at every turn.... it hurts that its only me who can make myself better and even though im really fucking trying i fail ! it hurts that the people i want in my life so badly are pushed away.
WHY THE HELL IS IT WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH AND YOUR THE MOST VULNERABLE ITS USUALLY ONLY THE ABUSERS THAT STICK AROUND ? PRAYING ON THE WEAK AND VULNERABLE AND YET THE ONES WHO ARE GOOD FOR YOU, WHO'S STRENGTH RUBS OFF ON YOU WALK AWAY ....
its my actions, i should be able to control them, its me who destroys the chances i have for a better life and i need to do something about it
the day after it happened i said to my mum, i dont want to be nice to that person becuase its my abusers brother and right now i hate kevin for what he is still putting me through .... her responce... " no lets get this right kevin isnt doing this to you, you are" ... i see where she is coming from i really do but a time and a place mother and maybe not when you are trying to persuade me to me nice to my abusers brother and less than 24 hours when i was found on top of a cliff threatening to jump becuase of the memories of what KEVIN CHOSE TO DO TO ME .... ive been working in counselling to stop taking responsiblity for everything that has happened inclusing my abuse to yea mother shut the fuck up ! dont undo how far i have come ! .... i know she is trying to help and i know she is trying to stop me from becoming a long term victim, i knowwhere she is coming from but i could scream in her face .... you dont know what the hell you are talking about ! .... sentencing was only 1 week ago ! how am i turning into a long term victim ! im only just realising how innocent i was when he hurt me, im only just letting go of the guilt,,, so yea actually i am going to blame him for this ..... im going to blame him for my mental fucking illness .... i will get over this illness, i will do it for me, i will fight back and i will make my life again, i wish it could happen right now, but i know it cant... i want things done yesterday !
im going to be amazing when im better. im excited about my future, i hope that the people i care about persevere until i get myself there, if i loose them then i understand that its hard to deal with, they have to look after themselves too, i know my mum loves me but she has to stop letting her fears and her healing needs inter-fear with mine, i know that i need to communicate more with her but im not here to reassure everyone, im here to live my life and love myself too, which is something i dont do very often, people need to start trusting my abilities to do that a bit more...... yes i ended up sitting on a cliff ... yes i was in a bad place .... but i asked for help, i didnt hurt myself, i am dealing with it, im stronger for it...