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giving it one last shot ...

Posted by survadvo , 30 July 2012 · 89 views

was hoping to get the validation about the relationship that i needed .... hmmmmm

me can i change the subject, ive got something that is bugging me that i wanted to say
itll change the mood thou haha

him yep
why not

me its like this... i knowi go on about it but i have triggers and all that... and im thinking that you dont realise that something can set me off and il panic especially sexually . im not saying i cant do these things but what im saying is do you really want to get intimate and all that with someone who could be irrational and might be able to help it ? i mean it doesnt last long most times but for example the other day when you called ma your bitch it triggered me adn i was off with you then i realsied iw as being off ... and i changed my behaviour... eurrgghhh i dont know what im trying to say but pretty much i could make you feel like shit and i dont mean to so if you wanna take back what you said thats okay, its not your problem its mine

him ohh i see
no i understand
people r different some get over it quick some dont (this bit kinda made me angry)
no right or wrong

meits not to do with getting over it quick its to do with since court im in defence mode, my mind reminds me of the bad things to get the defence back ... flight or fight responce ... adrenaline and all that ... but it does it in the wrong situations and contexts ... so a safe context will set me off as if its dangerous to me ... i sound like a nut job ha ... thanks for the hugs ... so eya sorry and all that

him dnt be sorry its ok
i get to horny thats my prob haha

methats not my problem haha i like it when you are, makes me feel good ... its to do with retraining my mind to perceiev the situation as sfae which means it might panic for a while and if thats not something you can deal with i will understand ... it will train to be different ususally with me having a few firm words withmyself but the initial responce happends before i can stop it

i dont know if i explained triggers to him very well, i did my best ... by sharing this with him he can back out i wont be sitting there wondering what if... also if we do have a go of things maybe having this chat will let me have more trust that he wont freak if i trigger.... tbh i think im wasteing my time... he hasnt replied yet.... im glad ive done it its helped me realise what my triggers are doing to me and makes me feel optomistic that i know what i need out of a mana nd what i need to work on,,, so if i can take anything out of this its that ... feel a bit crap tbh ... i could have just pretended to be okay but i dont want a relationship like that ... you either take me good and bad or not at all !

July 2016

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