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feeling confused about relationships

Posted by survadvo , 27 July 2012 · 33 views

im letting my ex back into my life but im really confused

i have spoken to him about things, things that worry me, how my life is right now ... but i just dont trust him right now .... i dont trust that he isnt seeing anyone else. i dont trust him that he isnt just going to use me. i dont trust him that he isnt just doing this purposely to hurt me ... im scared but its not just him... i mean the bad things in our past relationship doesnt help ... but the prospect of getting into a relationship full stop makes me feel scared ...

when i love someone i give them my "all"... i dont hold anything back for me so i need them to do something similar ... i guess ... i need their "all" as they have mine ...

if i get into a relationship with this man it will be the first proper relationship ive had since the abuse stopped... i have had opportunities but turned them down as i really wasnt ready.

im starting to feel ready for a relationship now but i still have hold ups, he says he would be understanding and patient with me.... that he wants to take the risk that i leave him cos i find it too much... he just wants to be with me... but they are just words i need actions... i feel safe with him and i think that helps.. i really loved him before and i havent got over him completely never have... but he has done this before... appeared in my life then gone again.

im triggering alot atm ... ive told him im in therapy and on medication for ptsd and that im not quite my old self anymore and that i might never be that person again ( although i hope its just the bad bits that get left behind)...

the people i let into my life hurt me in the past and im scared to have this leap of faith ... my triggers dont help ....

TW

like we used to joke about ... call each other each others bitches... he does it to me to get banter ... i end up calling him my bitch and then it gets flirty .... but it triggered me yesterday and i went back to KEvin telling me i was "a dirty little bitch" :)barf

i had a manicure today and the man had to touch my hand which was fine but then he massaged my arms and it reminded me of when kevin made me masturbate him ... euurrrghghgh

i think apart of this worry about a relationship is like saying .... erm yea one minute il be okay and then your do something and it will make me relive my abuse and then il withdraw from you and make you think you have done something really wrong ... oh and i might cry for a while in a locked room if its a bad one ! (although i havent had any of those for a while now)

i have no doubt that this man has the right intentions... im the problem not him ... like i said earlier... my trust issues arnt helped by some of our past but thats not where the feelings stem from.... i trusted kevin to be a friend who helped me, i never saw what he was doing as bad ... i thought i deserved it and im scared that it will happen again i guess. that people will hurt me. easy answer .... dont trust people dont get hurt .... but i want to ... i want to trust ... i just hope that if i do give things ago with this man that he doesnt give up on me and gives me the validation and support i need ... then again why should he .... they are my problems which i am sorting out but i shouldn't drag someone else along for the ride...

im confused



March 2015

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