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ive forgiven my SI, i did it thinking it would make me feel better, it didnt... i didnt have the release i thought it was going to give me and i think it is safe to say i have definitely got over that chapter in my life .... look how far i have come ! it didnt help me at all but i have got it out my system and i know for sure i wont ever do it again.. marks will fade... i havent gone back to day one i was testing the boundries of my healing and proved to myself il never be that person again ...
meds have been changed and im postive that this will help me... im not going to read the side effects to i cant convince myself i have them ! which i think i did that with the other meds
im going to take my mum for coffee one day next week to have a chat about her input in my lif , i love having her being supportive but she needs to tread careful as i have a bit of an issue with having control at the moment and the last thing i need is for that small amount of control to be taken...
i am not blaming my mum for my SI that was totally my choice but earlier that day she had pressurised me into making changes in my life which i did and i feel that she took that control away from me which is where the urge came from.. she needs to know i have my pace of which i can do things and she needs to understand that... which i am sure she will ... i need to comunicate
one thing i am kind of proud about when i SI (not the SI itself) was that even though i asked my friend to talk me down... i rang Samaritans to talk me down and reached out to pandys i had already made the decision to what i was going to do ... but rather than going on to hurt myself more i talked myself down ! i got myself grounded which shows me that next time i dont feel great i CAN do it... I CAN TALK MYSELF DOWN BUT THE SUPPORT IS THERE IF I NEED IT
I AM STRONGER THAN I REALISE
i had a chat with my grandad this evening .... about going to court for the sentencing i have decided with his help the following
- i dont need to go to court i have done my bit
- if i go to court i could hinder my healing as i will reexpose myself to the traumatic place i already have PTSD
- i wanted to confront him but why ? i cant answer that
- i wanted to go to show him that he hasnt won - well he knows he hasnt won he is prison
- the biggest thing is that now i want to make the rest of this journey of healing about ME... i went to court to protect others and now i need to look after myself... the sentencing is about HIM it has noting to do with me, i couldnt really care about how long he gets in prison not really, he will be a registered sex offender and thats what i wanted...
im still going to be nervous about the phonecall but i dont want it to be about him anymore, he doesnt deserve to see me, il be scared and nervous and he doesnt get to see that side of me any more. i dont want to be that person anymore so i am not going to put myself in a situation he has caused where he makes me feel that way.... he has no power
I CHOOSE NOT TO GO .... HE HAS NO POWER OVER ME ... HE WILL NEVER MAKE ME FEEL SCARED OR INTIMIDATED EVER AGAIN
wow that feels good to say