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anxiety again :( TW

Posted by survadvo , 15 July 2012 · 36 views

just woke from a nightmare about SA tonight... it was different than usual as i dreamt that i went through someones wallet (someone who was lost and didnt speak english), no idea who they were... and i found a list of arrests and convictions for that person in english and they were for sexual assault, etc ...

it listed only some of the thing which have happened to me by my perp .... (dont want to use his name in this post as feeling a vulnerable ) they were things i had almost forgotten about ... It was a list of sexual acts that my perp performed on me around the rapes... and now im really feeling uncomfortable and having mini flashbacks which i manage to shake off but i feel overwhelmed with anxiety...

i wish that when i went to the police i had taken more time and really thought about the attacks, i feel that only half my story has been told... this list of things that i dreamt about are not in my statement and he was not prosecuted for... it seems that i felt these events were insignificant and i had almost forgotten about them untill i had these dreams... i remember them now though .... perfectly

i want to discuss it here but i feel dirty and horrid at the moment.

Yesterday night i had a vivid dream about my perp but in this dream i was talking to him and being around him, it remind me of times when i didnt want to be around him but i had too... like on my 16th birthday he turned up... i remember telling my mum i didnt want him there... i remember her apologising saying she didnt know he was going to come along... now i think back i think i bet he wanted to come and see me... he never came to family events but this one he did... during this time i had already been raped by him multiple times, he had been sexually assaulting me for over a year.. and that was my 16th birthday ! it makes me hang my head in sadness ... family thought i didnt like him anymore as he had accused me openly to my mum about taking drugs...

he was good at playing on that one to try and "help me" ... feeling anger right now .... he played on a childs insecurities and vulnerabilities to get sexual pleasure .... what a horrid human being Kevin Foster is ....

i had thought of a positive post that i was going to post tonight as ive had some great ideas for aiding my healing but i think some unexpected issues have arisen tonight and im going to deal with them first... i did have some life stressors that i wanted to deal with i.e. with work .... but now the past his arisen and bit me on the arse!

wish i was strong enough to deal with the past and the present at the same time ... being able to see a future would be nice ... sigh... im useless sometimes !



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