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Aunt - "i never saw anything so it didnt happen, i was in the house and you didnt call out"
Aunt*2 - "il wait and see what happens with court before asking *cousin* if he touched her"
ex bf - " you caused it yourself for keep going back into that situation"
friend - "if it happened ... if he did that ... if if if"
i have generally had every self doubt i have about the events confirmed by the people who care about me most. in some ways they have been just as hurtful as the cross examination in the court case !
it makes me sad that the life of the survivor is a constant struggle if you finally come up with the courage to make a stand, all the people put you down back on your bum
i have forgiven the people for what they have said to me, i just wish for survivors in general that it wasnt such a taboo subject... that it wasnt such an awful thing on our shoulders, that the abuse doesnt carry on from the hurtful things people say.
i know that rape and sexual assault effects alot more people than what meets the eye but surely the survivor is the one who needs more support... maybe if people had less fear of telling truth then they wouldnt struggle with life as much
if i hadnt been scared of telling the truth i would have been safe sooner i could have some of the assaults prevented. im not blaming the people around me as i feel its not them as individuals that has created this view on rape.
what makes me sad is that so many people could be saved if rape and sexual assault wasnt such a taboo subject and people didnt have these sucky views.
EMPATHY thats all i think ive ever wanted... i want people to EMPATHISE to see it from my perspective. to walk a mile in my shoes. i dont want their sympathy and i dont want to carry thier guilt !
i think thats the other thing im findng it hard to understand.... although people have had these views and hurt me by what they have said when i probe deeper i find that they feel guilty for not being able to protect me. the sad thing is that guilt for not being able to protect me turns into a hatred. it turns into a bitter feeling, because i cant understand why they feel guilty when its not them who hurt me. they couldnt have protected me because he was a predator.
right now i feel that i need love and support and have the chance to talk about things when i feel comfortable doing so (which my mum has been very supportive now about). they were awful things that happened to me and im fed up of keeping a secret. i want to tell the truth. i want to shame him. because it isnt my shame any more.
im fed up of walking down the street and worrying which people know and what they are saying about the situation. why should i worry i havent done anything wrong, no one else has done anything wrong.... the only person who has done something wrong is him. his choices, his life he ruined, my life he tried to ruin, people have picked up the guilt he should have. well they need to give it back to him !!
i dont want to feel guilty anymore im giving it back to KEVIN FOSTER .... im not going to be scared of who may see this, im not going to care who knows... i havent done anything wrong and neither have my family. neither has his family !
KEVIN FOSTER should be ashamed of himself
KEVIN FOSTER will carry the burden of his actions for the rest of his life
KEVIN FOSTER is a rapist
KEVIN FOSTER is in prison awaiting sentencing
KEVIN FOSTER has been given back the guilt
im not scared of KEVIN FOSTER anymore