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big decisions

Posted by survadvo , 05 July 2012 · 43 views

i want my life back its as simple as that, these small productive steps im taking are great but they arent going to get me where i want to be anytime time soon, i want to take leaps....

i feel that moving back to home town was a fresh start, yet im already looking for another one ?! a fresh start from a 3 month old fresh start ? - im not happy here, although i am happy that i have a bigger support network...

maybe im just wierd ....maybe im running maybe they arnt fresh starts at all ...

whats the difference between running and afresh start ....anyone ?

ive always gone for quick fixes in the past, ive always taken those leaps and where has it got me ? running around in giant circles, emotionally, mentally and physically.

i just wish i didnt feel like im wasting my life... i wish i felt useful.

something that sticks in my mind is my mums attitude towards university courses last year, "well your nearly 21 now and your qualify when your nearly 24, that gives you time to do all the other things your meant to" ... its like if i dont get my career now il be too old to have a life. i dont 100% know what she meant by that but i have taken it that im a disaster since now i have left uni and dont go back untill sep 2013.... nearly 23 when i start my career off again il be nearly 26 by the time i qualify, makes me feel shit ...euurrggghhhh

i dont know what my desperation is to have qualifications i guess i could see those years as time to live my life and have fun ... i havent done much of that up till now , what if i just fall into a slump.... just float along in existance, struggleing with mental health issues the rest of my life, always failing everything....

i tell people my worries and the pople that know me best say " you have always been a worrier" erruughgh yea i may have been but that still doesnt help that confusion in my head ... i think these are valid worries surely as if i dont make changes to my life im not going to be able to live it !

im so confused .... who am i ?



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