could be worse
i remembered feeling suicidal. i have been giving myself bad messages lately and i thought wow maybe i am suicidal maybe i dont want to keep living, doubting myself in general, but no, i remember that dark place and im definitely not there.
i dont want to ever be there again ....
my family are pressuring me to get back to who i was, my doctor has put the seed of doubt in my head that im going to loose my job, i just dont feel ready, i dont want to push myself over the edge. im so impatient to get my life back myself i want it done yesterday ! but i know that this isnt the right time. it will be too much stress and i might start to loose this war in my mind. the scales might start to tip.
the one who has been the most understanding is my 14 year old cousin who has accepted me for me, encourages me to go out but doesnt push me. she makes me feel appreciated and she knows when i need company... it makes me sad... i was her age when he first got his hands on me. she is such a beautiful young lady and she told me the other day she sees me more of a sister than a cousin which i thought was such a thoughtful thing for her to say. i dont rely on here emotionally, that would be wrong but i love her dearly. one of the reasons i went through a court case was to protect that girl from my abuser, i started seeing the warning signs, the same behaviours from him towards her and id do it all again 1000 times over to make sure she was safe.
thats what keeps me going i guess, although im going through an awful time i know that i have protected anothers sister, cousin, niece, daughter from the same awful experiences i went through. i just dread to think who else he got too while i was working up the strength to make a stand.