an end but really the beginning - may be triggering
Today i left him.
I feel emotional and down if im honest but i cant forgive him. I dont need people like that in my life.
when we were in the cafe talking today, an incident between us came up from the past. An incident where he was physically violent towards me and i had phoned the police, where he was arrested and spent the night in the cells. i remembered that as they were taking him away in the police car he shouted out that i had made all of the rape allegations up and that i was a liar. when i said this to my now ex partner his reply was .... "but i was angry; i thought we were over all this"
its no excuse
we have been on and off for the last 6 years, the abuse i received overlapped the relationship with this man and at times i left my ex partner because i felt so guilty about the rapes.... i felt i didn't deserve him... i felt i had cheated.
he keeps reminding me of what i was like a few years ago. he says i was fun loving, gave him attention and was good in the bedroom. i remember me being scared/ vulnerable, lacking of respect for my body and doing things out of fear of loosing him. Im not saying i didnt love him and he showed me there was more to a relationship other then rape and pain.
as im writing these things on here im realising that maybe my partner who i thought was there for me hasn't been. he is 11 years my senior and i met him when i was 16. every time we broke up i always went back because i felt "safe" with him because he was the opposite to how my abuser treated me. i wouldn't call my ex partner abusive but i definately deserve better.
i want to stay strong,
i want to stay away from him,
i want to be me again not who he keeps reminding me of